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Tony Blair’s Hot Air

by | 30th, October 2006

TONY Blair is writing in the Sun. And he’s issuing an ultimatum: “Pay up or the planet gets it.”

The madman would destroy us all! Tony’s weather machine can do its damndest but surely in killing the planet he kills everyone, not just veil wearers, Tories and fat people.

Tony wants to explain. “TONY BLAIR WRITES FOR THE SUN,” says the headline. But he should not give up his day job just yet (no chance of that).

Tony lacks the necessary grasp on tabloidese. Instead of “Phwoooarrrr!!! Wot a scorcher” and Tony enthusing about how global warming will lead to bikinis all round, we get pros as dry as a British summer.

“Today the Government will publish the most important report on the future which I have received since becoming Prime Minister,” writes Tony.

What? More important than John Prescott’s integrated transport policy and Euan’s school report? This must be very important. The Sun’s customary tales of celebrity drug takers and telly can wait a while.

Go on, Tony, we’re listening. “The Stern report should be seen across the globe as the final word on why the world must act now to limit the damage we are doing to our planet,” says Tony.

It should be? But given the nature of world affairs – wars and such like – it’s unlikely the planet will unite behind a report written by Sir Nicholas Stern, a distinguished British development economist and former chief economist at the World Bank.

But Tony is hopeful. He speaks of a “concerted global effort”, and a “massive injection of funding”. Yes, he wants your money. As the sun’s front page says: “PM SIGNALS GREEN TAX BLITZ – I’m saving the world…YOU lot are paying.”

You see, the way to save the planet is to raise money. And the best way of doing that is through taxes. Beneath the headline “£1,000 green tax for every family”, the Mail says we can all expect to pay more for motoring, air travel, consumer goods and rubbish collection.

And we can all do our bit. As the Mail says, should Tory leader David Cameron get into No.10 we can look forward to his putting a wind turbine and loft panels on the roof. That’s if he gets planning permission.

And anyone buying Cameron’s vacated home in Kensington can make full use of the home’s soon-to-be installed thermal solar panels, wind turbine, rainwater recycling tub and a filtering system that transfers bath water to the washing machine. Cameron’s keeping the washing machine – the relentless sun hasn’t driven him totally mad.

And you too can do your bit to cut down what the Mirror calls your “Carbon Elephant” (this is the amount of carbon you generate).

Tips to tame the elephant include: turning off your TV; using a clothes line and not a dryer; turning down your heating and putting a jumper on; buying old clothes; walking more; trying not to breathe too much.”

But if you can’t mange that, not to worry. As Tony says: “…this is a problem which will be solved at a global, not domestic level.”

It’s not us. It’s them.

Phew!



Posted: 30th, October 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink