EastEnders Plot Found

PSST! Wanna know what happens next in EastEnders?

The Sun says Jonathan Ross’s mum, “veteran extra” Martha Ross, knows. And she has leaked the “top secret” storyline.

Martha has told her son, the ubiquitous media nodding head Paul Ross, and he has told listeners to his LBC radio show.

This triggered a “furious” senior production worker to call Martha’s agent and say: “She’ll never work for EastEnders again – her son Paul has ruined her career.”

Martha, known to millions as Woman On Stall 1, Woman On Stall 2, Women In Pub, Woman In Laundrette and Woman, has been an indispensable part of the EastEnders fabric, a character as tightly woven into the slice-of-life drama as Pauline’s cardigan and Pat’s earrings.

But it seems that nothing is forever. And having been sacked, it is claimed Martha was then asked to lend another thespian her coat to add continuity to a scene.

A friend of Martha’s tells the paper: “It’s a disgrace. She’s worked on EastEnders for 21 years and has only been a loyal actress… Besides, Paul only has about 100,000 listeners.”

Anyone who has ever heard mealy-mouthed Paul speak will be amazed he has gathered such a crowd. But if he is going to reveal to the world the secrets of the EastEnders plot, surely many will tune in.

And while Paul, allegedly, telephones the BBC and tells the person who answers his call to “Drop dead”, those of you not up to speed with plotlines get to learn what happens next.

After lots of rows and promises to “sort it”, a German World War II bomb explodes. Those who die go on to appear on The Bill. Those who live appear in pantomime and on the Paul Ross radio show.

And the only bit of London’s East End not already turned into executive glass boxes is redeveloped…

Posted: 16th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment (1) | TrackBack | Permalink