Copping Off

Dogging In Downing Street

EVER wonder what’s going through the mind of the copper standing outside No.10 Downing Street?

Until now we’d laboured under the belief that the doorman’s mind was in a Zen-like state of empty calm.

Here was a man in tune with the rhythms of the door behind him opening and closing, the watchful copper at one with his surrounds, his heels rising and falling with the steady swing of the hinges.

But now we must reassess this image. Looking beneath the brim and deep into the mind of the man in the nipple-shaped helmet and shiny shoes we see someone who says of themselves: “I love to drive up to a secluded spot and get very rude.”

For purposes of identification, the Mirror calls this custodian of law and order PC Matt Balmforth. As his biography on an adult website says, this married man is into threesomes, exhibitionism, voyeurism and dogging.

Little did Margaret Beckett and John Prescott know that as they were driven up to the door of No.10 they were parking close to such a man.

What horrors would have ensued had Beckett’s driver flashed his lights at PC Balmforth in the approved dogging manner? What evils would have scarred the political landscape as Prescott flicked on the interior light to read a vital message from his personal secretary?

The Mirror, which fails to say how it came upon PC Balmforth’s advert on a swingers’ website, hears the man himself tell us: “I used to stand outside Downing Street. Gordon Brown is a right arrogant b******. Cherie makes a lovely cup of t.”

Is this code for something sick and depraved? What is “t”? And how does Cherie go about its making?

A woman Balmforth emailed with plans for a threesome with another officer tells the paper: “God knows what other sensitive information he’s prepared to blab to get a woman into bed.”

We can only imagine. And look again as Tony pops out of Number 10 clutching a mug of tea…

Posted: 27th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink