Football Fans Get A Roasting
“ARE you the mystery girl or do you know who she is?”
The sun wants to know. There’s a phone number in case you are the "busty female fan" seen getting roasted by three Sunderland players.
The trio – Sunderland goalkeeper Ben Alnwick, winger Liam Lawrence and striker Chris Brown (those are the positions) – are joined by ex-tem mate Martin Woods, now of Rotherham Untied.
Two other men in the vicinity are watching with a keen eye are not identified.
Anorak has yet to see a recording of the action, but the Sun assures us that it lasts a full seven minutes and features Alnwick winking at the camera as he penetrates the team’s fanbase. It also shows Woods – "still wearing his jumper" – "performing a sex act on himself".
We are no prudes here at Anorak and are familiar with all manner of sex acts, from the Clinton-Lewinsky thong twang all the way to the John Leslie-Abi Timuss no-holes-barred romp. But we struggle – yes, even we – to think of a self-sex act that engenders the sportsman with anything other than deep and lasting shame.
If Mr Woods is looking in he may care to write to us and explain what sex act he indulged in. Given the popularity of footballers it may not be too long before hundreds if not thousands of Sunderland fans are aping his movements.
Or there is always Mr Brown to explain. Throughout this show, Brown commentates. You can imagine Brown placing a finger to one ear and saying it is "quite remarkable" that Woods has missed so clear an opening. He shoots, he scores. "Twat! Liquid football."
What he does say is: “Here’s the boys – the watching faithful – every week without fail."
There are too many puns to make, too many easy goals to score. We’ll let you think up your own.
All we do say is that if you are the woman in the picture, you need to get yourself a new strip. And an agent…