Jordan and Pete’s XXXMas

“PETER & JORDAN ALL ABOUT US.”

Such is the pull of Jordan and her pop acorn husband Peter Andre that OK! comes equipped with a free DVD. This disc contains “EXCLUSIVE UNSEEN FOOTAGE! SEEING IS BELIEVING.”

It’s the kind of inducement that used to advertise a Victorian sideshow: “Roll up! Roll up! Feast you eyes on The Singing Acorn! And that is not all. See Planet Woman, her chest the size of Deimos and Phobos, moons of Mars. Seeing is believing!”

But before the full multimedia experience, we take in the interview. And to begin we see Jordan and Pete in the pristine kitchen of their new home.

And we seem to have arrived at an inopportune moment as Pete is not yet fully dressed. He stands in a pair of novelty Christmas boxer shorts. The motif is Christmas trees. Yes, trees made of wood. But not trees that carry acorns.

And Jordan is wearing a Santa’s hat, a pair of red stockings and a Santa-style baby doll present delivery kit. She has a red scarf draped around Peter’s neck. She holds one end, making ready to: a) drag him off for more lovin’; b) strangle him; c) hang him from the tree.

But before that, Pete speaks. (Pete looks less airbrushed than dipped in a coffee liqueur, hairless arms crossed over a naked chest his wife could shave her legs and much else in.)

“Why don’t you sing your song,” says Pete. This invitation is not delivered to Jordan but to eldest son Harvey. OK! sees Harvey begin “slightly tentatively”. “I can show you the world, shining, shimmering, splendid…”

And: “A whole new world!”

Meanwhile second son Junior listens in. He has an “ear infection and conjunctivitis”. “It’s chaos, isn’t?” says Katie.

We look on at the shiny kitchen, the shinier husband and the immaculately shiny table settings. Chaos? Well, not totally. Katie has nearly done all her Christmas shopping. “I’ve got everything apart from Pete’s” says she.

And while Katie Andre wonders what to get her man (we suggest a matt finish), thoughts turn to Christmas.

Pete says he would like “to start a tradition of making pancakes on Christmas morning.”

Pete’s family are Jehovah’s Witnesses, says Jordan, which may explain why he has come to think of his revolutionary pancakes idea. And why he may in time come to think of giving eggs made of chocolate at Lent and abstaining from treats on Pancake Day. That for later.

And what else for later? Well, this being Pete and Jordan, lust is never far away.

Pete: “I’m looking forward to opening Kate’s stocking on Christmas night.”
Katie: “Actually Pete really likes me in fishnet tights at the moment – normally he doesn’t like girls in tights because he says they’ll have fishy f***ies.”
Pete: “Oh my God, Katie. Please – I never sad ‘fishy f***y’.”
Katie: “Okay. Well fishy what? What do you call it? A Gucci or something isn’t it?”
Pete: “A cookie…”

OK! is intrigued. “So will you be getting up to some nookie on Christmas night?”

And before Jordan and Pete can answer we’ve sent granny from the room and begun to play the DVD…

Posted: 27th, December 2006 | In: Media Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink