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Anorak | Skull & Bones

Skull & Bones

by | 9th, January 2007

KEIRA Knightley is in the sea. More immediately, Ms Knightley is in a bikini of red and white horizontal stripes.

The Star has no fewer than five pictures of Keira in her ensemble as she holidays in California. And the conclusion is that she is “so thin”.

Keira hardly fills her “itsy-bitsy bikini” notes the Star, inviting its readers to study the actress from the front, sides and rear.

An onlooker tells the paper that it would “take a pirate with some exceptional map-reading skills to find her hidden treasure chest”. Yo-ho-ho. Knightly, of course, features in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. These are the jokes.

Keira is “so scrawny her bones are sticking out of her body”, says the Sun. She is “KEIRA UNSIGHTLY”, a walking Jolly Roger flag, a skull stuck atop a pile of bones. Cross her legs and arms and ‘X’ marks the spot where the treasure is hidden.

Over in the Mail, readers are introduced to the man by Keira’s side. He’s Rupert Friend. And he risks a punctured lung or worse as Keira snuggles in, her elbows jutting out at dangerous angles.

Rupert is “the boyfriend who’s seeing a lot less of Keira”. The actress stands accused of suffering from and promoting anorexia. The Mail hears from a mother of a girl who died from the illness.

Says Rosalind Ponomarenko-Jones: If you can see someone’s ribs, they have a problem.”

But looking at Keira we see no ribs. We see shoulders and elbows and knees. Ribs are in short supply. Might it be that Keira is not too thin?

In “Keira Slightly”, the Mirror deliberates on the actress’s weight. It appraises her “slender figure”. If Keira is insecure about her body, the Mirror will assess her and then offer its verdict in the full glares of its surgery.

So is Keira “GAUNT” or “GORGEOUS”?

“She’s gorgeous,” says nutritionist Anita Ellis (weight unspecified). Expert No.1 draws out attention to Keira’s “great muscle tone”, her “decent thighs” and shapely legs.

The good news is that “you can still see body fat on her”.

But Expert No.2 says otherwise. Another nutritionist, this one’s called Juliette Kellow (looks chubby), says Keira is “incredibly thin and not a good role model for young women.”

This expert days Keira has got no boobs (something the untrained eye might have missed). Readers learn that bigger women are “sassy and sexy”. They are fat and jolly. Bigger people have ruddy faces and dimpled cheeks.

Bigger people produce weight loss DVDs. In the movies, they play the thin film star’s best friend who can’t get a date. And they never wear bikinis with horizontal stripes…



Posted: 9th, January 2007 | In: Tabloids Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink