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Anorak | The Second Coming – David Beckham, Victoria Beckham & Jesus

The Second Coming – David Beckham, Victoria Beckham & Jesus

by | 4th, March 2007

the-second-coming-david-beckham-victoria-beckham-jesus.jpgDAVID Beckham. And much debate. Is Beckham losing his hair?

How long will it be before the trimmings from David’s sack, crack and back are woven into his scalp? How long before the back pages feature not news of David’s latest match but his face on an advert for hair renewal? Beckham: football’s Shane Warne.

A “top image consultant” was telling the Star: “If David is losing his hair, it would be a complete and utter disaster for him.”

And for Her Poshness, who has been known to coordinate her own hair style with her husband’s. what price Posh turning into an ambulatory Kojak orange lolly?

Was this why David was in Madrid, away from the lights and the laughter of the Oscars, where Vicky was sashaying down the red carpet and wondering what could have been had she only added a more regal touch to her Spice Girls movie.

But they should not worry. The Beckhams are going to live in Los Angeles, a place where hair is zipped-on. We remain confident that the right small woodland creatures can be found to live atop each of Dave and Vicky’s heads.

In Hollywood anything is possible. And – quick look busy – Jesus is coming.

James Cameron, film director, the man behind Titanic, The Terminator and Piranha Part Two: The Spawning, said he had found is Jesus’ coffin.

And, as with so much of Cameron’s work, when you find one hit you get a few sequels. So along with Jesus’ coffin, Cameron introduced the world to the coffins of Marianne (thought to be the real name of Mary Magdalene) and Judah “son of Jesus”.

Cameron called this “one of the greatest archaeological finds of all time”.

Cameron said this was all compelling evidence that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene and had a child called Judah.

Said he: “I never doubted that there was a historical Jesus, but the simple fact is there has never been a shred of archaeological evidence until now.”

So here was Jesus, Mary and Judah. And here was Amos Kloner, an archaeologist, to tell the Mirror that it was all “nonsense” – “The names on the caskets are the most common names found among Jews at the time.”

If only Mary and Joseph had named their son something a little more unusual, a little more in keeping with his celebrity. If only Jesus had been called Brooklyn, Romeo or Cruz.

David Beckham knows how make legends and heroes. Even when Posh and Becks are doing nothing they are doing something.

And we read with interest in the Star that David and Victoria have been living apart. Day-vid has been in Madrid. And Vicky has, as we’ve seen and seen again, been in the City of Angels.

And the Mirror caught up with Vicky and heard just what she’d been getting up to.

Said Vicky: “I was at a party the other day when Tom Hanks came bonding over.” No way! Tom Hanks bounds? Who would’ve thought it? Go on…

“He said: ‘I’m so thrilled you and David are coming over. I’m going to get a season ticket to watch LA Galaxy now.”

That was great news. Just another 100,000 tickets to sell and Vicky will have more than justified Dave’s £1million a week wages.

Said Vicky: “All the time he was talking I was just thinking, ‘It’s Forrest Gump! And he knows who I am.’”

Steady on, Posh. Hanks might bound and look a little mentally negligible in The Da Vinci Code, but he’s not some inbred Southern hick. Hanks is an Oscar winner and, though new to LA, Posh would do well to remember to treat the local elite with respect and deference.

But already Her Poshness had moved on. Tom Hanks one day. New hair the next.

Victoria Beckham had gone blonde. It’s “GOLDEN CURLS,” said the Sun’s front page, words hanging above a shot of Vicky’s dead-straight, short hair-do.

“I love my new hair colour,” said Posh. “I’ve certainly got a spring in my step. And I’m keen to see if blondes really do have more fun.”

Let’s hope so. Too often have we looked at Posh and seen a brunette woman with a pained brunette expression, a woman whose brunette mood seems as dark as her hair. Now blonde, can we expect Posh to have blonde moments?

“I thought it was very suitable for when we move to LA as well,” said she. “It’s a bit of a sunkissed Californian look, I hope.”

This was Her Poshness in California Girl mode. When in Rome and all that.

And if Posh can just lose some weight and cut down on those carbs, she should be indistinguishable from the locals. And from her husband, who sported the same short blonde look in 1999. Is Posh’s new hair, David’s old hair, we wondered. Are they sharing body parts?

And will Posh ‘n’ Becks merge into one, a vision of pert breasts, smooth genitals and blonde hair-do? Or will Beckham remain his own man?

The answer was soon forthcoming. “If people think my England career is over I want to show them it isn’t”, said Day-vid in the Sun.

It’s an aim shared by members of the England team Beckham left behind. Stripped of their captain, England lack not only a focus hairstyle and a brand totem but also tactics, aggression, ball control and ability.

“I’ll still be available for England when I’m playing in America,” said Beckham. “I will never retire from England.”

But Beckham is rarely about football – Beckham is about style and taking his brand to new markets.

So he’s off to Los Angeles. And, no, it was not his wife Victoria’s decision. “Going to Los Angeles is absolutely my decision,” said Beckham.

“People have said we’re going because we’re attracted by the Hollywood glitz. But I’m not sure that, as a family, we actually enjoy that side of it.”

You begin to wonder how well Beckham knows his wife. David is the real star, but before his arrival Victoria has turned even buying a house into a media event.

And when it comes to choosing a school for her children… See Vicky tottering up to the science lab at one prestigious LA school, a TV crew and snappers in tow. There’s a pot bellied pig wandering free. “Get it AWAY!” screams Posh, dressed in skin-tight designer clothes and towering heels. Posh runs as quickly as her outfit allows. Posh: Exit, pursued by pig.

Where’s Rebecca Loos when you need her..?



Posted: 4th, March 2007 | In: Broadsheets Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink