Liz Hurley’s On Fire

WHAT is it about Liz Hurley that is so utterly sexless?

It’s a problem recognised by the Sun which realises Hurley is a woman less than the sum of her parts. So it focuses on the parts – two of them.

“Lovely pair, Liz,” announces the Sun’s front page. And there, sure enough, is a picture of Lizzzz wearing a low-cut vest-style top.

But the Sun is not referring to Hurley’s cleavage but to her earrings, both of them.

Having married her pretty-ish lover in a registry office in Cheltenham, Hurley is off to India for a traditional Indian ceremony.

There Liz will show the locals that not all white British women are Jade Goody. Chances are high that Liz will neither burp, fart nor call her husband’s family the “Poppadoms” or “F*ckawallahs”. And certainly not in public.

And the locals love Liz. The Mirror hears the crowds cheer as Liz arrives in Mumbai. “Chai-chai,” Liz’s Indian fan club yells. “New lamps for old,” they cry. “We hate you Jade Goody,” scream others.

And then they are off to the “do after the do”. They will be blessed at a “Haldi”. The Mirror informs us that this ritual involves the happy couple being covered in turmeric, milk and cream. This, it says, will cleanse them – a change from Liz’s usual beauty regime of Estee Lauder products and cotton wool.

And with Liz looking good enough to put in a tandoor oven and bake, it’s off to Jodhpur for more fun and games, this time with Bollywood songs. Arun will ride a white horse. There will be more white horses. And elephants.

And the “sacred fire”, which Liz and Arun will walk around seven times.

It is not known whether Liz will change outfits on each lap, but given that her motif is fashion, we should not rule it out.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, March 2007 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink