Simon Cowell, Robbie Williams & Britney Spears Are Pop Idle & Liz Hurley’s Wedding
“IT’S very fashionable to be in rehab,” said Simon Cowell in the Mirror. “This whole thing is a total indulgence.”
Cowell, who bestrides the world of canned pop music like a Colossus in high-wasted trousers, was not supporting the therapy industries.
Rehab, said Cowell, is an indulgence the world can do without.
“Britney Spears and Robbie Williams need to get a grip,” he added.
Cowell said Spears should go back to live with her mum for six months. He recommended a short, sharp shock.
“I went to a deprived part of the world recently and I saw a set of conditions that people live in that are beyond belief,” said Cowell, pictured seated by the swimming pool at his eight-bedroom Beverly Hills office.
Cowell declined to name the location but it is known that he spends some of his time in the UK, and we understood what he meant.
And then we saw Prince Harry leaving for Iraq. Who says Cowell does not exert influence over the young, playing cover versions of the Pied Piper’s better tunes as he goes?
And while Harry made ready to leave and unleash his drinking prowess on Iraq’s insurgents and tea-totallers, we spotted someone who really knew what suffering was.
No rehab for Princess Diana. Just pain.
“SHOW US DIANA’S MURDER LETTERS,” ordered the Express. It had been to the pre-inquest hearing into Diana’s death. It had journeyed to the Royal Courts of Justice and witnessed all.
Michael Mansfield, Mohammed al Fayed’s lawyer, wanted answers. As the Express reported, letters have “sensationally” gone missing.
We heard Edmund Lawson, QC for the police reply: “Regarding the allegations covering letters from the Duke of Edinburgh despite the best efforts of the police to find any evidence or copies of them, none has been found.”
Mansfield wanted Philip and Prince Charles to take the stand. But since this is about as likely as Al Fayed letting the matter of his son Dodi’s death rest, we move on to another question: Liz Hurley –why?
The Sun, like so many of us, realised that Hurley is a woman less than the sum of her parts. So it focused on the parts – two of them.
“Lovely pair, Liz,” announced the Sun’s front page. And there, sure enough, was a picture of Lizzzz wearing a low-cut vest-style top. But the Sun was not referring to Hurley’s cleavage but to her earrings, both of them.
And having married her pretty-ish Leeds-born lover in a registry office in Cheltenham, Hurley was off to India for a traditional Indian ceremony.
And the locals love Liz. The Mirror heard the crowds cheer as Liz arrived in Mumbai. “Chai-chai,” Liz’s Indian fan club yelled. “New lamps for old,” they cried. “We hate you Jade Goody,” screamed others.
And we were there. We journeyed to what Hello! was calling “The wedding of the year” and, very possibly, the wedding of next year.
We caught up with Hurley and her lover at Sudely Castle. This was a “fairytale English style” do, and we expected lots of ugly sisters, wicked stepparents and dwarves.
Those within the chapel sighed as Liz “gazed lovingly into Arun’s eyes”. Those unable to be seated within the chapel looked on from the cheap seats as the event was relayed to TVs plugged in before them.
Tears welled in Liz’s eyes. The actress struggled with her lines. Finally, she managed to control herself and speak the vows. And then more tears “well up in her beautiful green-blue eyes and trickle down her face”. The designer Valentino said the tears are “like seeing an exquisite flower blossom”.
Hello! noted that many of the guests were also crying.
The wedding had reached the half-way mark. And the race was on – can Liz Hurley have her baby before her wedding ceremony ends?
Special it would be to see Hurley give birth before the wedding party arrives at the cake sometime in early October.
The Mail had a picture of Hurley wearing a dress. Nothing new is this, said you, Hurley is a dress wearer of no small repute. But attention was directed to the Hurley stomach.
We noted the bulge. Hurley, who once boasted at getting by on six raisins a day, appeared to be expanding.
Was this water retention? Should Hurley not have soaked the raisins and eaten them instead in their most shrivelled state?
Or was Hurley with child?
The Mail said the “slight tum” on view might be the result of so much wedding breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner. But Hurley’s food intake is famously modest. So what was producing the bump? A money belt? A pair of Comfi-Knickers? A child?
Said Liz: “We would love to add to our family and (my son) Damien would love some siblings.”
And there was Arun, who does speak. Said he: “Of course we would love to have a baby. Elizabeth wants twin boys.” The Yorkshireman may well have added an “eee be gum” for dramatic effect.
We live in an age where babies can be delivered to order. If Hurley wants twin boys then twin boys she can have.
And if she wants a couple of identical raisins, she can have those too.
But if any one of them wants to go into rehab, they should best ask Simon Cowell first…
Posted: 11th, March 2007 | In: Broadsheets Comments (2) | TrackBack | Permalink
