Camilla Will Never Be Queen Nor Princess Of Hearts

THE debate on whether Prince Charles should be King has shifted and readers are now asked to contemplate the full majesty of Queen Camilla.

Of course, before we go on we should say the current regent, Elizabeth, is in rude health. There is every reason to believe that with the right power supply and hardwood teeth Liz can go on for many decades, as her mother did.

Queen Camilla may never occur. And any chance that it will is dashed by the Express. The paper has conducted a poll of its readers and in response to the Question “Would you like the woman who as good as killed Princess Diana to be our Queen” 90% answered to the negative.

Camilla should not feel too down, and refrain from chucking herself down the stairs or seeking comfort in the arms of the nearest man.

The Express holds phone polls for the same reason that Saddam Hussein used to hold the occasional election - not to provide an objective measure of public opinion, but to see how close to 100% of the vote they could get.

Unlike Saddam, however, the papers never quite get the result they want – there’s always a few readers who misunderstand the question, dial the wrong number or are just plain bloody-minded.

But undeterred, the Express concludes on its front page: “Poll shows she will never find a place in the nation’s heart.” Was it not Camilla and Charles “whose adultery ruined the life of Princess Diana”?

No vote is required to answer that question. The Express jumps in says it was. And just in case Camilla has not got the message that we don’t want her sort round here, the paper says in another headline: “Camilla should reject the idea of ever being Queen.”

The words are taken from a quote supplied by Alan Berry, co-founder of the Diana Appreciation Society. Says Berry: “What they did to Diana during her short lifetime is a dreadful indictment of Charles’s lack of moral fibre and Camilla’s ruthless ambition.”

But what do we do with them if not make them King and Queen?

Can we sell them to a country in need of a ruling class, like the French or Ukrainians? Or should they be made to work for a living? You can see the advert now:

Camilla (emerging from battered Fiat Uno, her legs encased in white jodhpurs): Cackles
Charles: (muffled) There’ll be no more sobbing/ When he starts throbbing
Camilla and Charles: When the red red robin comes/ Bob bob bobbing along, along

Advertiser’s Voice: (Prince Edward): The new Royal tampon, by appointment.

Fade with Bryan Ferry’s ‘I’m in with the in crowd…’

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, May 2007 | In: Princess Diana Inquest Comments (23) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink