Al Gore Has 24 Hours To Save The World (from Paris Hilton)
AL GORE, a man undone by perforated bits of paper, is here to save the world.
Gore has given himself ten years to accomplish his mission. (A decade is pretty much the norm for any political revolution, it being the length of time it has taken the Labour Party to deliver an integrated transport system.)
To kickstart this decade of green initiatives, Gore talks to the Sun.
Sat in an office, wearing a pair of cowboy boots (how much methane gas did Gore spare the world in slaughtering those livestock and turning it into footwear?), Gore is in conversation with the Sun’s showbiz columnist, Victoria Newton.
Celebrity Squares
That’s right, Gore is no longer a politician. He is a celebrity. He is Neil Kinnock in that Tracey Ullman video, Tony Blair talking with Catherine Tate, Ronald Regan winning an Oscar for looking after a monkey.
But Al is not our favourite celebrity. Just as he is not America’s favourite leader – George Bush beat him; and everyone is supposed to loathe George Bush, view him as a corrupter of the American ideal and the English language, a man who can’t eat a Pretzel without strategic advice and an exit policy.
Says Al: “The G8 have been meeting in Germany and the United States is throwing a monkey wrench in the effort to get a consensus. The planet is in distress and all of the attention is on Paris Hilton, we have to ask ourselves what is going on here?”
Can it be that the G8 leaders have been talking about Paris Hilton? Good that they have their fingers on the pulse of popular debate. But the G8 summit goes on for just so long and the worry seems to be that talk of Paris comes in place of other topics, like Big Brother, a European superstate and David Beckham’s hair. Or is Paris’s prison cell is a prototype for greener living – she doesn’t even go to the toilet, let alone flush the thing. One day we will all live like Paris.
Maybe Paris will be singing at Live Earth, Al’s unplugged rock concert, featuring Madonna shouting into a police cone, the Red Hot Chilli Peppers on clockwork instruments and James Blunt pretending to be made of wood.
The Future’s Orange
So here’s Gore – you can call me Al – wearing “orange make-up, looking not enough unlike the “ghastly Donatella Versace, a woman sporting skin so leathery when she opens her mouth people throw their keys in.
So what will the concerts do, other than use up the planet’s resources faster? “We will have specific goals that will be very significant and hard-hitting,” says Gore. “We will announce those before the concert then emphasise them heavily during the concert.”
You buy your tickets, you take your chances.
24
Says Al: “This one day, 24 hours long, will not only be a wake-up call for the world but the beginning of a multi-year campaign to organise an effective response to the climate crisizzzzzz…”
Little wonder Gore needs Madonna in a bra to help get his point across. Although useful to know that the day is 24-hours long, a time span that would fit neatly into a TV series.
What d’yer say, Al? What about having just 24 hours to save the world? And, no, you can’t use a jet…
Posted: 18th, June 2007 | In: Tabloids Comments (5) | TrackBack | Permalink
