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Anorak | Anorak’s News Week: Diana’s Life, Paris Hilton’s iPad, Paul Potts On Manning, Glastonbury & Killer Spice Girls

Anorak’s News Week: Diana’s Life, Paris Hilton’s iPad, Paul Potts On Manning, Glastonbury & Killer Spice Girls

by | 24th, June 2007

glastonbury2.jpgIT’S been ten years since Princess Diana forgot to put on her seatbelt, and the celebration to mark the auspicious occasion are progressing well. (Pic: Glastonbury rescue – The Spine)

In “DIANA’S LIFE COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED SAYS DOCTOR,” the Express brings readers the “death crash sensation”, what Tina Brown didn’t tell you.

Monday’s Diana & The iPad Hilton

Monday, and the paper hears from Dr James Colthurst, an independent medical man. Colthurst, 50, may not be around to mark Diana’s silver jubilee and the time is ripe for him to tell us: “My belief is that had Diana been moved more quickly, the surgeons may have had a better chance.”

Dr Colthurst was not at the crash scene. He was not at the hospital. He did not operate on Diana. But he knows. And he tells us: “Her injuries of course were very serious, but there were delays in addressing those injuries that, to my mind, could have been critical.”

Always good to get a second opinion; better, of course, to get it while the patient is still alive. But things do not always go to plan. And not every doctor has a decade to cogitate and deliberate the facts.

A decade of Express headlines, Al Fayed vomit ‘n’ cuff shirts and conspiracy theories have only burnished Diana’s legend. But will prison work wonders for today’s top celebrity, Paris Hilton?

paris-hilton-doll.jpgAlso on Monday, Al Gore was talking with the Sun’s showbiz editor: “The G8 have been meeting in Germany and the United States is throwing a monkey wrench in the effort to get a consensus. The planet is in distress and all of the attention is on Paris Hilton, we have to ask ourselves what is going on here?”

Can it be that the G8 leaders have been talking about Paris Hilton? Good that they have their fingers on the pulse of popular debate. But the G8 summit goes on for just so long and the worry seems to be that talk of Paris comes in place of other topics, like Big Brother, a European superstate and David Beckham’s hair. Or is Paris’s prison cell is a prototype for greener living – she doesn’t even go to the toilet, let alone flush the thing. One day we will all live like Paris. All hail the new iPad.

Going To Potts & Manning The Stations

We need a voice to make sense of it all. Paul Potts. No. Maybe. More someone who cuts to the heart of the matter and plunges the knife in; someone who will not stand on ceremony; someone like Bernard Manning. But on Tuesday Manning, the People’s Pundit, was dead.

The Times’ obituary surmises Manning’s career: “Comedian whose brutal disregard for ‘normal’ sensibilities fell out of fashion but remained popular on the club circuit.”

As Anorak’s Ed Barrett put it: “Contrary to popular misconception, Bernard Manning could be very funny without being ‘blue’ or otherwise offensive. Fortunately, he preferred to be offensive and was downright hilarious when he was. His view of clean gags was simple: ‘They’re childish, aren’t they?’”

Manning would have known what to say at Princess Diana’s funeral rock concert. At a recent charity dinner, he approached a friend of the late Queen Mother and said: “One corgi turns to another and says, ‘Thank fuck the Queen Mum’s dead, now we won’t be blamed for the smell of piss.”’

Hill & Bill Do Glasto

Make what you will of that. The message is that we need to see the funny side, nothing is taboo. And on Wednesday we saw Hillary Clinton and her fragrant husband Bill pretending to be The Sopranos.

clinton-sopranos.jpgIn a brilliant parody of the Sopranos finale that America has been debating for over a week, a new campaign video from Hillary Clinton places the Presidential hopeful and her husband in a nondescript diner discussing the outcome of her campaign song contest. According to the New York Daily News News, the contest and video were meant to show the lighter side of a candidate that many voters find “calculating and aloof”.

How long before the Clintons turn up at Glastonbury on the politics sound stage, with Tony and the Blairios on bongos and humus? The act will have to ait for next year, because this year’s Glastonbury has already kicked off.

And the aim is to get through it and say, “I was there. I did Gasto.” In “HOW TO SURVIVE GLASTONBURY – BY ANDY McNAB,” the Sun’s shadowy security expert issues advise to festival goers.

First up, don’t panic. Unlike McNab, you cannot get lost behind enemy lines at the country’s biggest music festival. Although the perils of wandering into the Spiritual Support tent are self-evident.

As is reading Pete Doherty’s diary.

How Music Killed The Earth

Or listening to the reformed Spice Girls who want to say goodbye.

They could just wave, write us a letter or with the scream “Girl Power” kick us in the genitals and run. But instead thery’re emabarking on a world tour. The group will travel in no little luxury. As the Mirror says, to keep the girls happy they will traverse the globe in five private jets.

That’s right, reader, the Spices have taken our advice and set about using up all the world’s resources as quickly as possible. Only when all the oil is gone will we take the subject of energy efficiency seriously.

Of course, in keeping with fashion – and what are five thirty-something women with children various if not at the apogee of fashion? – the Spice Girls will have to offset their carbon emission with so much wood.

So look out for a rerun of Spice World the movie and pay special attention to single mum Scary’s performance, a mighty willow among the swaying bamboo…



Posted: 24th, June 2007 | In: Tabloids Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink