Spice Girls Return: Victoria Beckham Has Talents
WERE the rest of the Spice Girls singling out Victoria Beckham when they sang ‘If you can’t dance, if you can’t dance’?
Not that her Poshness minds standing out. It can’t be easy finding clothes too small when you’re thinner than Michael Barrymore’s booking’s diary. Victoria must have trawled the world’s premier haute couture toddler rangers to find a dress that can barely restrain her.
“I really want a bigger bra,” says the Sun’s front-page headline. Posh, standing alongside the rest of the famous five, looks to have grown out of her clothes.
“IT WAS THE SPICE REUNION. SUDDENLY TWO MYSTERIOUS GLOBES APPEARED,” says the Mirror’s front page.
You half expect her to begin telling us that she’s been putting on weight and it’s only thanks to her lightspeed metabolism that she doesn’t look like Mel B. She then throw her arms out wide and looking like a game of hangman made flesh and blood invites us to admire her Major Minor Gucci hotpants.
Two Become More
This is the “Spice trip down mammary lane”, says the Sun. Victoria Beckham is now “BOOBY SPICE”; Sporty is “NOT SO SPORTY SPICE”; Ginger is “GERIATRIC SPICE”; Emma Bunton is “BUMPY SPICE”; and SCARY has worked on her mojo to become “SCARIER SPICE”.
A cosmetic surgeon is invited to tell the world how the “SLICED GIRLS” are, in her opinion, a product of bust lifts, boob jobs, microdermabrasion and Botox.
The Star solicits a body language expert to say how Posh is being pushed out. “Victoria isn’t showing any teeth either when she’s missing,” says Robert Philips. “It’s not a natural smile.”
Does Posh have a natural smile? It’s been no small challenge to work out what Victoria’s natural talent is. The Mail puts a fork in the spokes of the Spice’s engine (making a noise not unlike Vicky’s singing voice) and asks Posh and Co. to serenade the watching media. “We don’t have to prove anything,” they all say. “We have nothing to prove. Come and see the show if you want to see us sing.”
That’s the Spices band of pop - music you can see: voices less important than style and catchy songs that anyone who can remember the words can sing along to. A zig-a-zig-aahhh.
Wannabe My Lover?
And they are reunited. “We’ve been divorced and now we are back together,” says Victoria though ungritted teeth. The tour is on.
But what does Spice Power mean in today’s world? Vicky knows. She says of Day-vid: “Now he’ll be the one left holding the baby – that’s what I call Girl Power!”
That’s what we call an absentee mother. Or foolish, if David should choose to put the boys down and look for a new PA.
If you wanna be my lover…
Posted: 29th, June 2007 | In: Tabloids Comments (14) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink
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July 2nd, 2007 at 7:20 pm
Spice Girls eh?
Why not? A lack of an obvious talent hasn’t held back many a pop star over the years. If people are dumb enough to part with money for this tripe then grab it girls, grab it.
I hope David Beckham is in for a percentage, he deserves it and not just for living with Posh (you’re a braver man than me mate).
My theory goes thus.. the only reason anyone pays attention to Posh and, by extension, the rest of the that sorry crew, is the fact that she’s married to him. He’s a star, she’s the stars wife. Without his coat tails to ride I’m sure she would have slipped into a well deserved oblivion, and the rest with her.
I feel sorry for him sometimes, I really do.
David (no not that one)
June 30th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
Nah , thats all an illusion…..wait til Torri, Randie and I get going, you guys get running
June 30th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
….now…… they look like they could breast feed a herd of hungry heffers.
June 30th, 2007 at 9:24 am
Three of us are planning an Old Spice tart tribute band, you do all understand we crack shower tiles at a hundred paces, so we should be even better
June 29th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
Good thing all their kids are under-10 — less self-conscious, otherwise, they may want to go into the Witness Protection Program after hearing their mums “sing”.
June 29th, 2007 at 3:34 pm
Ah yes - girl power: How to manipulate yourself into situations where you hitch a ride along on the talent of others while having no talent of your own and get yourself up the spout in the expectation that the rich daddy will do the honourable thing and when he doesn’t, try to take him for all he’s worth.
June 29th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
hey the boyz in the hood call our Cash Only Casino & Tasteful Topless Bar the ” C.OC. & T.T Bar” so if you are ever coming our way…check us out in East L.A…..U.S.A.
June 29th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
hi …its me again….listen girls…..mo says i forgot to mention the name of the joint….so here goes….you will be performing at …
The Mount Sinai Home for Geriatric JewBoyz. It is the biggest and best place for any old boyz in Brooklyn. The in house Cash Only Casino and Tasteful Topless Bar are only some of our Star attractions. Be in contact with me & mo if you wanna be big in brooklyn.
P & L
D.B.
June 29th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
hi…again….the above is meant to read……”……and beyond the star”
June 29th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
hi ..again! Listen my Uncle Mo owns a nursing home and a tasteful ,topless bar . It is just around the block in Brooklyn and I work part time behind the bar. well what i really wanna say is….me & mo would like to invite the Spicegirls to gyrate in front of our punters. ..it wold be great and would give the geriatrics a lift.seriously girls….uncle mo is big in the U.S.A and performing for him could help in Holywood.
Me,Mo and the Boyz think the blonde girl at front with the Posh pout and great tits has big potential as a pole dancer. Hey girls …if you wanna be big in East L.A. …come and give me & mo a go go.
Peace Light
D.B. …..the most famous soccerball player in the History of the Galaxy…and beyond the bar.
June 29th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
These girls look ready for Eurovision…..can you think of anyone better to represent our nations pop culture? What style! What Grace! What Moodesty! What Singers???….The Sicegirls can make Britain …Great……Come on ..Spice up your life! Get behind me satan!
June 29th, 2007 at 2:06 pm
Hi, my name is Dovid Beckman, I am a soccer player for the Adios Amigos. My Team of Bros play in a League in Brooklyn… East L.A.
What i really wanna say is…you can send the SpiceGirls my way….these lovely ladies are hot….My Team would love to hear them scream…..shit voices and full of plastic….so what!
Peace & Light
Dovid Beckman…the most famous footballer in the Galaxy….and beyond
June 29th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
Loved the quip last night, ‘girls no longer aahhh Old Spice’
June 29th, 2007 at 11:09 am
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