Jacqui On The Up And Up: Home Secretary And Cabinet In A Cannabis Haze

CANNABIS is a gateway drug to something far worse: a career in politics.

“I think it was wrong that I smoked it when I did,” says Jacqui Smith. “I have not done for 25 years.”

But how can we be certain? Raised on tales of the dangers of drugs and how they warp the mind and create changes in mood, could 25 years be confused with 25 minutes? And might cannabis be at the route of some of the Government’s confused and middle-headed policies? Hasn’t British politics gone to pot?

Indeed, being stoned might be a prerequisite condition of joining Gordon Brown’s inner circle. As the Express says in “SHAME OF BROWN’S CABINET”, ten ministers admit to smoking cannabis.

The Times says the figure is “at least eight”, which may be less than ten. The Sun says the number is “seven”. Definitely seven.

Chancellor Alistair Darling is the numbers man in the team and may enlighten us. He toked on a joint. “Occasionally, in my youth,” he confesses. As the Cabinet members need no telling, cannabis is routinely sold is fractions of ounces. We may thumb our noses at European Union imperial measures yet.

And as the likes of Ruth Kelly (Transport Minister), Yvette Cooper (Housing Minister), Tony McNulty (Home Office Mister) and Andy Burnham (Chief Secretary for the Treasury) feel compelled to tell all, the focus returns to Jacqui Smith.

She is addressing the House. The Times hears her say: “As today’s crime statistics show, we are holding the improvements to the falls in crime.” We hear you Jacqui. We don’t know what you mean. But well done for not giggling.

“Jacqui, life and soul of the party,” says the Express. Not the Labour party, which may or may not have a soul, but the do at Hereford College, where Smith was a student.

The Express has a picture of Smith with her fingers stuck in her ears and grinning. This, readers are told, is a game of “bunnies”. Students pretend to have rabbit ears; the worst performer is forced to have a drink. It’s a simple game, so long as you have two hands.

“She never let her studies get in the way of a good time,” says one former classmate. “Some of the participants wore very little,” says another, “perhaps just a dressing gown which could easily fall open.”

Smith is pictured in her pyjamas, and whether she owned a dressing gown remains, for now, an unexplored part of her past. Although what anyone at college is doing in a dressing gown is something best left alone, it being too far out and weird, man.

Pic: Poldraw

Anorak

Posted: 20th, July 2007 | In: Uncategorized Comments (7) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink