Anorak’s Tabloid Week: Hard Men, Malcolm X Factor, Winehouse And This Year’s Breasts
SUNDAY: “REAL WOMEN…REAL PANTIES!” & TV’s Hard Men
It usually takes a few years for former Big Brother housemates to percolate from the Sun’s front page to the Daily Sport and niche top-shelf magazines for enthusiasts.
But even since Heather Mills McCartney’s works with baby oil were pulled from beneath a German adolescent’s bed, fame’s entry levels position has been contorted and expanded.
And thanks to the Internet we can appreciate Amy on the panty Maniacs Site. And Amy on video. Said the Big Brother starlet on Sunday: “I’ve had sex on the top of a multi-storey car park, but I’m hoping to add quite a few more to that list of strangest places I’ve done it.”
A fake house in a field in Elstree with CCTV cameras tracking your moves, the footage broadcast to mum and dad back home would be a challenge to most.
But Amy is pushing back fame’s gusset. And as she develops, she rock the celebrity established, shaking them from the comfort zone.
And the result is the NOTW’s headline “OFF HER HEAD AND ON MY BED”. Readers are introduced to Leighton Ogden and the story: “Ogden’s first sexual encounter with Kerry[Katona] had happened four months earlier, shortly after her engagement to Croft—behind a Tesco in Warrington last Valentine’s Day.”
What could we make of this? It was career suicide for Kerry, known to millions of own-brand ketchup-eating mums as the face of Iceland supermarket.
News that she had coitus behind a rival’s store will not go down well. And the clear and present dangers of exposing tender parts by a store specialising in frozen goods cannot be over-egged. “Mum’s gone to Iceland,” says Kerry as she offers us a “boozy brownie” – and she’s gone equipped with a thermal G-string and pre-warmed chest.
But she was trying something new. And Katona was not alone in taking it outside. Steve McFadden, a hard man who plays hard man in EastEnders and One Man And His Doggers.com, was attracting other hard men in a naval town. Something snapped. And the hard men wrestled.
Monday: The (Malcolm) X Factor
On Monday, Dannii Minogue, showbiz’s Lauren Booth to Kylie Minogue’s Cherie Blair, was looking over auditions for the TV talent show.
“One girl, a Muslim, was shaking,” said Daniiiii. “We said, ‘What’s wrong?’ she said, ‘My parents don’t know I’m here. If they find out they’ll throw me out and never speak to me again.”
Is this because she was a Muslim, Dani? Does anyone know what percentage of X Factor contestants are Muslim? Is this girl the first, the rebel who leads the way? And be assured that a contestant’s religious beliefs are relevant to Dannnniiiiiiii.
It cannot be long before the creators of reality TV talent shows create a Malcolm X Factor for Muslims, featuring a veiled Dannnniiiii in a skin-tight, peek-a-boo PVC burka? It cannot come soon enough.
Tuesday: Freaky Cheeky Girls
Are the freaky Cheeky Girls muslim? One imagines they will do whatever the job demands. And on Tuesday we wished them well as the fright-show twins jetted back to their native Romania.
Gabriela and Monica were not returning home to open a language school – “I touch my bum, you touch my bum, we toucharamus our bums etc. – but to be remodelled.
The twins said that the £12,000 boob jobs they had in London had left them with different size lumpy breasts.
With hindsight, getting one pair each would have been best. But now the twins have taken their “asymmetrical assets” to Romania’s Artis 3 clinic.
This was a shame to we who have now seen so many breasts that the idea of celebrities adapting them into interesting shapes would renew our interest. It would herald a new wave in talent.
See the Cheeky Girls build a human pyramid …from their chests!
Watch Jordan as she scales her own right breast and in scenes reminiscent of Edmund Hillary’s famous ascent of Everest, plant a flag on the nipple – at half-mast for Diana!
Wednesday’s Model: Living The Dream
Amy Alexandra should seize the nettle. But on Wednesday she was on the Star’s Page 3, a lifetime’s dream achieved.
The paper says Amy is a “brainbox” with three A-levels and 10 GCSEs. Since the average haul is now seven A-levels and 39 GCSEs, we beg to differ.
But Amy is upbeat. “I wasn’t too bad at school,” says she. “I did all my work and kept mostly out of trouble, although I did have a bit of fun along the way.”
And now all that study has paid off as Amy is handed her official Star bra and knickers and then, as custom dictates, invited to return the top.
No more “promotional work” for Amy, standing at a conference centre picking the thong out of her backside and “making love” to car parts. She’s made it!
Thursday: the Compliant’s Causeway
Amy is now as famous as…well, any other famous person. She’s as famous as Amy Winehouse, who has dispensed with breasts altogether and chosen another route to stardom: rehab.
Winehouse goes to rehab. And then “Amy quits rehabs,” says the Sun’s front-page headline. And readers note that the singer remained in The Causeway for 48 hours.
Anorak has no idea how long it takes for a celebrity addict to exorcise their demons. This may be long enough.
Rehab appears less of a medical centre than a rite of passage for any starlet.
One imagines the halls of Clouds are bedecked with pictures of the great and good. “It was mental,” says a signed photo of Michael Barrymore. “I often get mistaken for that b***h Lohan,” says a picture of Lindsay Lohan. “Is me turn for a penalty yet?” go the words on Paul Gascoigne’s framed portrait.
Until Celebrity Squares is restored to our TV screens and Dancing On Ice calls, agents will deliver their charges into rehab and so into the pages of the popular press.
Friday: Prayers For Diana
Fame is trickle, unless you have died to greatness like Princess Diana. It’s been ten years since her passing. And each day has brought with it new pain, new theory and a new Daily Express headline.
On Friday, the Express was bemoaning the fact that the Royal Family will not flutter their flag at half-past to mark a decade of Princess Diana memorabilia.
It’s was a tragedy and a disgrace.
But we say move with the times. Forget the flag. Fly Diana’s bra from the roof of Buckingham Palace and from your car’s window and strike a blow for women, celebrity and the new tradition…
Posted: 18th, August 2007 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink
