Fat Chance: England Take On The Tongans In Rugby World Cup

ENGLAND are taking on Tonga tonight in the Rugby World Cup. If England lose, they are out.

Last time the sides met in the game’s premier tournament was in 1999 when England won 101-10.

The Telegraph says that game is memorable for Isi Tapuelulu’s upending of England fullback Matt Perry. After a bit of fisticuffs, the Tongan was sent from the field.

The Mail seems to recall this. And bears a grudge, reduced to calling the Tongans “TEN-TON TONGANS!”. They are fat. Some 92 per cent of adult Tongans over 30 are clinically obese, says the Mail. This is a sporting fact repeated in the back pages in a sections entitled “EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT TONGA”.

The Mail doesn’t say if junk food is advertised on Tongan telly, only that the Tongans are fat. It is not to reason why. And to the Mail being fat is almost as bad as being as thin as a teenage model. (See our exclusive picture of the Tonga Wags.)

Boy are these Tongans fat. The Mail says the late King Taufa’ahau Tupou IV was the world’s “heaviest” monarch. He weighed 33 stone. In 1981, when Diana married Charles (weight ungiven), the Tongan High Commissioner was driven round in a car bearing his massive bulk and the number plate “ITON”. The car was “reinforced”.

And they are cheats too. Fat cheats. As the Sun says: “OFFICIAL TONGA HAVE GOT AN EXTRA PLAYER.” The Sun speaks not of the “starved sea eagle” that devours the “foreigner and sojourner” (the Tongan haka is not without poetry) but of their fatness.

So fat are the Tongans that the forwards have an 11stone advantage over England. And that is akin to extra man, although not an extra Tongan man.

Such is the sports news. Can the svelte English put paid to the fat Tongans?

And if the fatties win, what doe sit man for Britain. Pass the nachos…

Anorak

Posted: 28th, September 2007 | In: Back pages, Food & Fat Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink