Anorak | How To Catch A Bus

How To Catch A Bus

by | 22nd, January 2008

bus.jpg“USING the bus could not be easier,” begins the novella Using The Bus, by Stagecoach.

We say novella because every bus trip is, is it not, a journey, with beginning, middle and end.

The points are succinct and clear:

1. First of all decide what bus you need.

Experience suggests a red, yellow or green bus, and not a rainbow bus with “Screw the Cops” painted on the outside being driven by a man wearing a plastic policeman’s helmet and tattoos on his primary sexual characteristics

2. As the buss approaches you will be able to see the route number and destination on the front

Or the legend “NOT IN SERVICE”, “DRIVER TRAINING”, “TOUR” or the mysterious “PLUMSTEAD”

We are not making this up, unlike, we could say, Stagecoach.

3. If this is you bus then simply signal for the driver to stop. Wait until the bus is stopped and the doors are fully opened and step on board.

In the Anorak’s experience the signal for the bus driver to stop only works if the bus driver is looking for your signal. If he executes the “Cornish Waiter” (looks in the direction diametrically opposed to the person with the raised hand or expectant hooked eyebrow), the bus will not stop

4. Tell the driver where you are going and what type of ticket you require and if you are unsure then your drive will be able to advise you

If you are right the driver will say no words but just retrieve your money and trigger the ticket printer; if you are wrong, he will point to the sign on the stop, wait until you have one foot on the pavement and begin to drive away

5. Please feel free to sue the fold-down seats

These seats are not for “best” of visiting “VIPs”

6. When you want to get off , press the bell once

If the bell is not working, you may press it again

7. For your safety we recommend you remain seated until the bus has arrived at the stop

If you are standing, look for someone morbidly obese to lean into or, should the driver stop abruptly, fall on

There are more tips, naturally, but it is time to hear from Steven Stewart, from Stagecoach, said: “If we look back 30 or 40 years, catching a bus was part of our daily routine from when we were children. Our guide is not designed to be patronising.”

That is just something of a bonus…

Posted: 22nd, January 2008 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink