Comments

View comments: 798 to 768 - 767 to 738 - 737 to 708 - 707 to 678 - 677 to 648 - 647 to 618 - 617 to 588 - 587 to 558 - 557 to 528 - 527 to 498 - 497 to 468 - 467 to 438 - 437 to 408 - 407 to 378 - 377 to 348 - 347 to 318 - 317 to 288 - 287 to 258 - 257 to 228 - 227 to 198 - 197 to 168 - 167 to 138 - 137 to 108 - 107 to 78 - 77 to 48 - 47 to 18 - 17 to 1
1. 467 jo says:
   March 1st, 2008 at 7:36 pm

   472
   RedRooster

   This poster has been taken care of …. jajajajaja
   He must have had a very end of the day I tell ya….

2. 466 RedRooster says:
   March 1st, 2008 at 7:32 pm

   468
   jo Says:

   March 1st, 2008 at 7:28 pm
   466
   RedRooster

   Were having such a good time here between jokes and music wow…spoiled we are
   **********
   nice to see you are having some fun jo…. anything exciting happened today…? whats happened to that plonker “i dont beleive them” or what he was called…being a bit of a pratt earlier i hear

3. 465 Gandolf says:
   March 1st, 2008 at 7:31 pm

   Man this shit is good.
   +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
   A man walked into a doctors waiting room and saw a nun sitting there crying her eyes out, obviously very upset. When he went into the doctor he asked the good physician why the nun was crying so much. the doctor replied, “I told her she was pregnant.” “Good grief,” said the guy, “How can that be, since she is a nun?” “She isn’t really,” said the good doctor, “but it cured her hiccups.”

   The year’s new intake of novices were getting their initial medical inspection from the convent doctor when he noticed something different about one of the older girls. The kindly old practitioner went immediately to the mother superior and informed her, “Mother Superior, you have amongst the new girls one with an incredibly rare deformity: she has been blessed with two fannies.” “Good gracious,” exclaimed the Mother Superior, “will she be able to lead a normal life?” “Of course,” the good doctor replied, “especially as she is to be a nun, no one will ever notice. However, I should like it very much if you would allow me to consult with my professional colleagues and ask them to come and look at her.” “Of course you may”, said the Mother Superior and off he went. Three weeks later the convent medic returned with his professional colleagues and asked to see the affected nun. “I’m afraid you can’t”, said the mother superior, “We had to get rid of her”. “Why?” asked the old doctor. “We couldn’t stand her holier-than-thou attitude,” was the reply.

   Two nuns riding bicycles down a cobbled street, and one turns to the other and says “Do you know, I’ve never come this way before.”

   …At last the hill was too steep and the poor nuns had to get off their bicycles and walk. As they passed a dark passageway two yobbos jumped out, dragged them into the passage and started to rape them. “Lord forgive them for they know not what they do”, said one “Sshhhhhh”, said the other, “this one does.”

   …After they have been raped by the two yobbos the two nuns continue to the top of the hill to the convent. One turns to the other and says, “What will we tell the mother superior about being raped twice?” The other replies “But we were only raped once.” The first says “We’re coming back this way, aren’t we?”

   …So the poor nuns, raped and exhausted, confess to the Mother Superior the things that had happened on the way, and she says, “Go away and each suck half a lemon”. “Will that absolve us from our sin?” asked one of the nuns. “No,” said the Mother Superior, “but it will wipe that silly grin off your faces.”

   …So after the two nuns have sucked their lemons they return to the Mother Superior for the second part of their pennance. “Now you must go and wash your fannies in the holy water”, says the Mother Superior, “And your sins will be finally absolved.” So off they go to the font in the cathedral, and after looking around to check no one is about, they are just about to clap the holy sponges over their pussies when another nun comes rushing up and says, “Wait wait, I’ve got to gargle in that first.”

   …Later that night all the nuns are lying in the dormitory when the Mother Superior calls up the stairs, “All right girls, it’s ten o’clock! Bibles away and candles out.” Then there comes the sound, ‘pop’ ‘pop’ ‘pop’.

   …And thats one of the reasons why nuns go around in pairs, so that one nun sees that the other nun gets nun.

   …But the Mother Superior was not heartless. She knew her younger nuns and said, “I have no objection to you getting a little bit from the monks across the way, but don’t get into the habit.”

   …Nine months later the one nun gave birth to a baby without anybody knowing about it. She was in two minds as to whether she should tell the Mother Superior about it. She eventually decided to tell her, so she took the baby and went to the Mother S’s room. Arriving there, she found the Mother sound asleep with her legs astride. Seeing a solution to her problem, she carefully placed the baby between the Mother’s legs and left. The next morning the mother woke up and found the baby there and exclaimed, “Fuck, you can’t even trust the altar candles these days.”

   …A few months later the same nun went to the head monk to complain.
   “Father I came walking through the park today when a bastard grabbed me and kissed me.”
   “Like this, my child?” the monk asked and grabbed her and kissed her. “Yes, Father.”
   “But that is no reason to call the man a bastard, my child.” “Yes, Father, but then he threw me on the grass.” “Like this, my child?” the monk asked and threw her down on the couch. “Yes, Father.”
   “But that is no reason to call the man a bastard, my child.” “Yes, Father, but then he undressed me.” “Like this, my child?” the monk asked and took her clothes off. “Yes, Father.”
   “But that is no reason to call the man a bastard, my child.” “Yes, Father, but then he raped me”
   “Like this, my child?” the monk asked and started screwing her. “Yes, Father.”
   “But that is no reason to call the man a bastard, my child.” “Yes, Father, but he gave me VD.”
   “Such a bastard!” he exclaimed, pulling his schlong out in a great rush.

   Mother Superior to nuns riding bicycle in the courtyard: “OK, girls, back on with the saddles.”

   A novice nun in the convent was asked to hold the fort whilst the Mother Superior is away and is given special instructions to look after an ailing old monk who is spending his last days there. On her return the Mother Superior asked “How is the old monk?” The novice said that on the first day soon after she had taken in his food she had seen a large lump under his habit and asked what it was. He had replied that it was the key to heaven and that she had the keyhole. He had unlocked the door to heaven several times since then. “The old bastard” replied the Mother Superior, “he told me it was Gabriel’s horn.”

   Novice in convent garden is frightening pigeons from newly planted seeds by waving her hands and shouting, “Fuck off!” to the birds. Mother Superior is aghast and runs quickly to the little nun. “Sshhhhhh,” says the Mother Superior, “that’s not the way to do it. You must just say ’shoo shoo’ and they’ll fuck off by themselves.”

   A priest was confronted by a prostitute. “Do you want a quickie for five rand?”. Not knowing what it was, he said no. A few minutes another prostitute also offered him a quickie for five rand. Again he said no. When he got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him, and he went to a nun. “What,” he asked, “is a quickie?” “Five rand, same as in town,” the nun answered.

   The little novice was only eleven years old and was troubled by the tiny swellings on her chest, thinking this was some penance that God was making her suffer for some unremembered sin. So she went hesitantly to the Mother Superior’s office and knocked on the door. “Come in,” said the Mother Superior. “What is troubling you, my child?” “Well”, said the little nun, and explained the fears she had about these “bumps” on her chest. “How old are you?” said the Mother Superior. “Eleven going on twelve”, said the novice. “Well then,” was the kind reply, “at about your age all girls start to get them. Eventually they develop into the same as I have more or less, so to speak. So worry not and go in peace.” Much relieved, the little nun returned to her cell. About fourteen months later she was in her bath and noticed little dark hairs that itched were growing around her pussy. Worried again that this was punishment for some terrible sin, she returned to the Mother Superior’s office and knocked again. “Come in”, replied a deep voice from inside and she hesitantly went inside. The father abbot from across the road stood there. “Yes, my child?” asked the kindly old man. The little girl explained about her pussy, being innocent and therefore unafraid to talk to the abbot. “How old are you?” asked the gentle old monk, and she replied, “Thirteen.” “Well,” said the abbot, “at about your age all people start to grow hair round there. It’s nothing to worry about.” “How do I know that’s true?” she asked. “The Mother Superior showed me her bust when I explained that my breasts were growing, but I cannot see your hair as it does not show under clothes.” “Let me reassure you,” he said and opened his habit to do just that. The little girl’s eyes grew bigger and bigger as she stared at his great big schlong hanging there, and at last she said, “Good Lord, and when do I get one of those between my legs?” “Just as soon as I shut that fucking door,” he replied.

4. 464 Gloria Smudd says:
   March 1st, 2008 at 7:30 pm

   A man doing market research knocked on a door
   >>> and was greeted by a
   >>> young woman with three small children running
   >>> around at her feet.
   >>>
   >>>
   >>> He says, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline.
   >>> Have you ever used the product?”
   >>>
   >>> She says, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the
   >>> time.”
   >>>
   >>> “And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you
   >>> use it for?”
   >>>
   >>> “We use it for sex.”
   >>>
   >>> The researcher was a little taken back. “Usually
   >>> people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain
   >>> or to help with a gate hinge.
   >>>
   >>>
   >>> But, in fact, I know that most people do use it
   >>> for sex. I admire you
   >>> for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so
   >>> far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?”
   >>>
   >>>
   >>> The woman says, “I don’t mind telling you at
   >>> all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out………”

5. 463 RedRooster says:
   March 1st, 2008 at 7:28 pm

   462
   jo Says:

   March 1st, 2008 at 7:20 pm
   453
   PeterMac

   Is there no one who can give this man some proper advice about what he says ?
   ********
   woof woof ? or does this sound “ludicrous”?
   *******************
   103% ludicrous

6. 462 jo says:
   March 1st, 2008 at 7:28 pm

   466
   RedRooster
   
   Were having such a good time here between jokes and music wow…spoiled we are

7. 461 jo says:
   March 1st, 2008 at 7:26 pm

   461
   Ciara
   

8. 460 RedRooster says:
   March 1st, 2008 at 7:26 pm

   461
   Ciara Says:

   March 1st, 2008 at 7:19 pm
   Evening all.
   **************
   good evening Ciara are you feeling better now fancy a drink later…?

9. 459 jo says:
   March 1st, 2008 at 7:24 pm

   460
   lilith
   Dont be naughty …I mean according to the link below its not that easy to orientated oneself especially after a number of bottles!

   http://bp1.blogger.com/_3HAnFzHSqqE/R28bXMAcplI/AAAAAAAAAdo/i93HxRfWoTw/s1600-h/relativity.jpg

10. 458 Ferdinand says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:24 pm

    400 DuncanR Says:

    “I have copied this to Jokers Corner in the Forum section of Anorak”

    Worth a visit.

    Since this one is on topic without doubt, a quote (courtesy of June):

    A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

    The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a “sniffing dog.” His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.”

    The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says:

    “Watch this.” He tells Sniffer to “search.”

    Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.

    The agent says, “Good boy”, and he turns to the man and says: “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”

    “Say, that’s pretty neat” replies the first man.

    Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm.

    The agent says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”

    “I like it!” says his seat mate.

    The agent then told Sniffer to “search” again.

    Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

    The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent “What’s going on?”

    The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb!”

11. 457 Gandolf says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:22 pm

    Marie Nicholas.
    A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized
    halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was
    about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come
    to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

    After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were
    not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they
    discussed their predicament in great depth.

    Finally the priest said to the nun, “You know, Sister, I am about to
    die, and there’s always been one thing I’ve wanted here on earth — to
    see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can
    look at you?”

    The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to
    take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, “Well,
    Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a man naked,
    either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?”

    With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun
    exclaimed, “Father! What is that little thing hanging between your
    legs?”

    The priest patiently answered, “That, my child, is a gift from God. If
    I put it in you, it creates a new life.”

    “Well,” responded the nun, “forget about me. Stick it in the camel!”

12. 456 jo says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:20 pm

    453
    PeterMac

    Is there no one who can give this man some proper advice about what he says ?
    ********
    woof woof ? or does this sound “ludicrous”?

13. 455 Ciara says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:19 pm

    Evening all.

14. 454 lilith says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:14 pm

    http://www.observationdeck.org/lip/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/aerialdm_800×651.jpg
    FINAL PROOF TANNER IS LYING
    She could not have seen eggman/muratman walking towards her and heading towards Casa Liliana with Madeleine because Casa Liliana is in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION!

15. 453 Marie Nicholas says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:11 pm

    Another one for Gandolf

    A group of little boys are going to confession. The first one says : “I accuse myself of having stolen 10 pence from my mother’s purse, I accuse myself of having picked my nose, and I accuse myself of having buggered TheGoat (It is a French story, so it is : la chèvre). “What, says the priest, what, but that is terrible”… The second little boy says “I accuse myself of having beaten my little brother, I accuse myself of having told a lie to my mother, and I accuse myself of having buggered la chèvre (the goat)”.

    The priest is very upset. The next little boy accuses himself of having said nasty things to his Mum, of having kept his room untidy, and of having buggered “la chèvre”. And so on. They all have buggered la chèvre. Except the last one, who accuses himself of having not done his schoolwork, not having washed his teeth, and having broken the neighbour’s window. “Is that all?” the priest asks “Yes father” “Are you sure?” “Yes father” “Well what a nice little chap you are. Very good. Tell me your name that I congratulate your mother” “My name is Lachèvre, father”.

16. 452 Gandolf says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:11 pm

    Yeah well its all down to my own epiphany on Madeleines case, may the Lord protect her, I have sort of decided what will be will be, no matter what the great unwashed think.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOXq_vLCjco&feature=related

17. 451 Gloria Smudd says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:10 pm

    I’m (tentatively) in then.

18. 450 val says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:08 pm

    444 Julie,

    Don”t overwork G or he might turn nasty again, anyway, I”m off for a while
    maybe catch you later, or tomorrow.

    Take care
    p.s. One of the former residents at Haute de la Garenne has been threatened to
    remain silent, Jersey police investigating. Prince Charles & William have been
    to Airport to meet Harry, who seems very subdued, probably p….. that he was
    outed.

19. 449 jo says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:07 pm

    448
    Gandolf
    You are a star!

20. 448 Julie says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:06 pm

    #
    451
    Gloria Smudd Says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:03 pm

    Can I come in?
    ———————————
    Of course you can Madam Smudd, fun is on the cards tonight

21. 447 PeterMac says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:06 pm

    114 Dawn
    118 Jo
    248 Lilith
    I have just read the blog
    QUOTE Day 302: 29/02/2008-Friday
    It has been a relatively quiet week for us. We did hear from the UK police that the French have officially ruled out the reported sighting of Madeleine in Montpellier. It is disappointing that it took so long, particularly after the widespread coverage the reported sighting received in the media. UNQUOTE

    NOT .. It is disappointing that it was not Madeleine !
    No, …it is disapponting that the garlic eating Frogs took so long.

    Is there no one who can give this man some proper advice about what he says ?

22. 446 Julie says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:05 pm

    Right, here’s my pathetic attempt
    ————————————————-

    A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist takes out a needle to give the man a shot of Novacain.

    “No way, no needles, I can’t stand needles.”

    The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas but the man again objects.

    “No gas, please the mask on my face is suffocating to me.”

    The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

    “No” said the patient “I’m fine with pills.” The dentist then returns and says “Here’s a Viagra tablet.”

    The patient says “Wow, I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill.”

    “It doesn’t” said the dentist “but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth!

23. 445 Gloria Smudd says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:03 pm

    Can I come in?

    *******

    hello

24. 444 jo says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:02 pm

    449
    SteveT
    …and excellent music

25. 443 SteveT says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:00 pm

    Gandolph,

    Some good jokes!

26. 442 Gandolf says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 7:00 pm

    Marie Nicholas, PMSL it would be a more accurate report than any we have seen.

    The leg must be exercised gotta do some weights on it.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlwcXCLIvDo&feature=related

27. 441 val says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 6:59 pm

    428 M and A

    It”s all part of this throwaway culture, so people have to earn money to pay
    for it. It was Bearnais, a nephew of Freud who invented “consumerism”,
    that which you desire, not need. He was living in America in the twenties
    and Corporate America loved the idea. Freud preferred animals to humans,
    believing humans to be “irrational”. Glad I”m not growing up today.

    Off to dine, I have really enjoyed the afternoon, all thanks to Gandolf.

28. 440 Marie Nicholas says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 6:55 pm

    For you, Gandolf

    While a lion is drinking water from a pond in the jungle, a monkey turns up, and quickly buggers the lion. The lion is furious, the monkey scampers away, and the lion runs behind, trying to catch the monkey.

    The monkey arrives on a camping site, finds a tent with nobody in, quickly dresses himself up English, colonial type, and sits in a armchair, smoking a pipe, and reading the Times. The lion goes form tent to tent, and asks everywhere : “Have you seen a monkey?” The answer is “no”. The lion gets to the tent where the monkey is. He asks “Have you seen a monkey?”. The monkey, reading the Times, asks : “Are you talking of the monkey that just buggered the lion?”. The lion exclaims : “Oh my God, is it already in the newspapers?!”.

29. 439 jo says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 6:54 pm

    Just browsing

    http://bp3.blogger.com/_3HAnFzHSqqE/R1BQ7jebDBI/AAAAAAAAAXI/5SfsozdxUTk/s1600-R/unomenos.jpg

30. 438 Julie says:
    March 1st, 2008 at 6:53 pm

    Oh NO Val, he’s not getting off that easily. He’s given us enough grief for a couple of weeks now, now it’s pay-back time

View comments: 798 to 768 - 767 to 738 - 737 to 708 - 707 to 678 - 677 to 648 - 647 to 618 - 617 to 588 - 587 to 558 - 557 to 528 - 527 to 498 - 497 to 468 - 467 to 438 - 437 to 408 - 407 to 378 - 377 to 348 - 347 to 318 - 317 to 288 - 287 to 258 - 257 to 228 - 227 to 198 - 197 to 168 - 167 to 138 - 137 to 108 - 107 to 78 - 77 to 48 - 47 to 18 - 17 to 1