The Man Who Has Sex With Cars
IT’S stopped snowing on Channel Five. The image has cleared to reveal a burly man having relations with his current “girlfriend”. John Prescott? It’s not Chris Donald.
No, that’s a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, and Prescott would not be seen dead with one of those.
It’s American Edward Smith dating a German model, but since British Leyland curled up its toes, what chance of him loving us? And Rover was ever a dog.
“I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love,” says Mr Smith, star of My Car Is My Lover is on Five.
“Maybe I’m a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it’s just wonderful. I’m a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what’s in my heart and I have no desire to change.”
And lest you mistake him for a freak, he assures one and all: “I’m not sick and I don’t want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference.”
We will be the judge of that, and opinion formers may care to note the ages of Smith’s conquests, and wonder how he manages sex with them.
Old Mr Anorak grows rheumy-eyed as he regales us with a tale of how he spent not an altogether unpleasant half hour with his hand wedged between the seats of his Roll Royce Wraith.
But Smith has moved on, his wandering eye has spread beyond cars to other vehicles. He says that his most intense sexual experience was “making love” to the helicopter from 1980s TV hit Airwolf…