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Anorak | Keeping Tabs On The Stabs: Face To Face With Knife Crime

Keeping Tabs On The Stabs: Face To Face With Knife Crime

by | 3rd, August 2008

KNIFE crime. Don’t worry. The tabloids are on to it.

Today the News of the World is meeting with “vicious” Christaides Georgiou who “cunningly uses a five-inch serrated kitchen knife to pass off CONTRACT stabbings as just another statistic in the street terror gripping Britain”. It is “blood-curdling”.

NOTW hack Charlie Lloyd says Georgiou is in possession of a knife that he keeps wrapped in a newspaper, the Daily Mirror would suit his sort, we’d wager.

So cunning and wily is Georgiou that he has met with a hack and offers them a menu of “barbaric cut-to-order options”.

Want to know what you can get?

There’s the “tea-bagging”, a quintessentially British punishment in which Georgiou will fill you with more holes than a tea-bag. Although which brand of teabag is not emphasised.

The buttock-ing – in which the victim is cut “so he’d never sit again”.

The feeding – the victim is fed his ears, one presumes, after thy have been undone from his head.

When conversation turns to threats of violence Anorak is minded of Gerry Sadowitz, who managed to divide his audience between those in hysterics (ahem) and those walking out with The Death Of Jeffrey Archer. We joined the action as a psychopathic Glaswegian encounters the then incarcerated Archer in his prison cell.

Archer’s new cellmate tells him what he is going to do to him. The scene lasts for minutes.

Back to Georgiou:

You want him cut? You want him serrated? Serrated will open him up more and leave a scar. You want his a**e opened up? Every time he sits down he’ll get a reminder. If you stripe someone’s a**e, every time they go to sit the wound re-opens.

“You can do the face, too—and every time this guy looks in the mirror he’s not gonna be able to forget where it’s come from.”

You want him cut on the tummy so every time he eats his tummy explodes? You want him cut on the lips so ever time he says “sausages” the wound opens up? You want him cut on the neck so when she turns around his head falls clean off?

One would hasten to ask for the job lot, of if a tea-bagging – and we’re talking 2,000 perforations – covers it all?

Then chillingly he warned: “Don’t f*** me about! Everyone’s got family. Everyone’s got children.”

Well, not everyone has children. Although Jeffrey Archer has…



Posted: 3rd, August 2008 | In: Tabloids Comments (2) | TrackBack | Permalink