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Anorak | How To Be A Great British Briton

How To Be A Great British Briton

by | 18th, August 2008

“GREAT TO BE BRITISH,” says the Daily Mail.

And it is as good a slogan for the paper, and the country, as any. But what does being British mean in today’s confused world?

Anorak investigates:

First up, all Great Britons are white of skin, as is dictated in the Doomsday Book.

Each Great Briton is wearing the New Uniform – smart white tracksuit, with blue flashes and red piping. “A combination of retro colonial cool with the hottest precinct fashion” – Prince Charles

Identity cards are out and medals are in. All Great Briton will be required to carry a metal disc, with metals denoting their status:

MPs: Paper
Lords: Ermine
Celebrities: Silicon, dyed a rich vermillion
Immigrants: Brussel sprout
Non-doms: Palladium
Royals: Iron

Facial expression: A stiff-upper-lipped grin

Language: Ability to speak English – and only English – at all times, reducing and raising levels of English according to the audience’s level of “foreigner” 9determiend by distance form Trent Bridge…

No passports required.



Posted: 18th, August 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink