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Jacqui Smith’s Secret Police Force’s Balls Up

ARE you ready for “JACQUI SMITH’S SECRET POLICE”?

While the potty Home Secretary keeps you distracted with her kebab and embonpoint, her police force is hard at it.

And the Mail knows how to spot them. Some of them, let’s call them “Security guards” are dressed in black jumpers (although they can be a dark navy blue) and polyester blend trousers.

Others work in the town hall, perhaps disguised as typists, the woman on reception who prides herself on being obstructive or the planning officer in the React-o-lite Rapides.

These workers have “sweeping police-style powers:

For a few hundred pounds, state and private sector employees can receive Home Office accreditation. This allows them to hand out fines for a raft of offences, from dropping litter to riding a bike on the pavement. They can also stop cars to check their tax discs, seize alcohol from underage drinkers and demand people’s names and addresses.

Community Safey Accreditation sounds brillint and Anorak Security Services is sure to sign up. How much?

Councils and other public sector organisations must pay between £300 and £315 to be accredited, and between £35 to £90 per employee. In the private sector, the costs are between £450 and £600 per firm, and £32 to £132 per employee. The scheme is being sold to companies such as security firms as a way of boosting their profile.

By our calculation, if we can seize seven cans of Special Brew and/or Diamond White every day from now until just after the busy Christmas period, the badge will have paid for itself.

But what’s the difference between a CSA and CSO (Community Support Officer)? And is CSI the inspiration?

The only significant difference between the accredited workers and CSOs is that they do not have the power to detain a suspect. Instead, they would have to summon police to help if a situation turned ugly. However, they will have a special priority hotline to report their intelligence to detectives.

Anorak pictures the following scene:

CSA: You there, Stop! CSA!
Ne’erdowell: Nice badge.
CSA: Hand over your alcohol, cigarettes and… is this your push bike.
NDW: That your badge?
CSA: Yes. It’s..
NDW: Give it here.
NDW rips bade off CSA’s feldgrau jumper.
CSA: Your c***
NDW: Police! Help. CSA down and subjected to verbal abuse. Send help. Quick…

Cue mayhem…

Anorak

Posted: 27th, August 2008 | In: Labour Party, Police Log, Politicians, Tabloids Comments (9) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink

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coco says:
August 28th, 2008 at 4:16 pm

Chatelaine! Mademoiselle! You found me through my outageous cursing! Could you hear me shouting? LOL!

John Blake! Sir! Absolutely! The woman is a megalomaniac in bud. If she wore decent well-fitting clothes and spoke more precisely - she would be a danger to us. Fortunately - she is never taken seriously! lol

Jacqui! Get down for a bra-fitting and speak to somebody about your image!

You will be a major player in the downfall of Gordon Brown with some of your awful blouses and jackets.

chenier says:
August 28th, 2008 at 4:11 pm

My theory is that I am asleep and dreaming this.

I would therefore be grateful if people refrained from disillusioning me.

John Blake says:
August 28th, 2008 at 4:07 pm

A raised finger by Jacqui Smith…a sign of a controlling,bossy,personality. Smith, just like the rest of the NuLabour “government” is another incompetent person, and this idea of giving powers to a bunch of civilians shows just how pathetic they are. All academic qualifications but lacking real savvy, and clueless about solving many problems that their own policies have often created.

Terry Carty says:
August 28th, 2008 at 3:31 pm

Sorry if I am out of touch as I now live in the US but please tell me this proposal is a joke right? You have all just missunderstood and she wasn’t being serious? Is she seriously saying that she is, for a fee, going to sanction and empower a bunch of civilian busy bodies to keep an eye on us all! If it isn’t a joke then frankly that puts the final nail in the coffin of my ambitions to retire to Cornwall. The more I read on this site the more attractive my backup plan of Malta becomes.

Châtelaine says:
August 28th, 2008 at 12:20 am

coco Says:
August 28th, 2008 at 12:17 am
***
Ha! There you are

coco says:
August 28th, 2008 at 12:17 am

Jacqui Smith - Protectorette of the Realm! Horrendous dress-sense!

This fucker can’t even keep our names and addresses safe

Why is she still in post?

How the fuck can the Home Office give ‘accreditation’ to anybody???

They are always discrediting their fucking selves week after week after week! The Protectorette herself has helped the Home Office to become the disgrace that it is.

I might have to take over the Government before Christmas at this rate - and I so wanted to have a month off in December.

David says:
August 27th, 2008 at 5:33 pm

How long has the Notting Hill Carnival been going on?
I seem to remember playing some huge event there in the late 60’s with an interracial ska band I used to play trumpet in. We played outside during the afternoon and a riot broke out . I cant remember if that was the official carnival or not.
Luckily, equipment (drums, amps, PA etc) was provided so we just all grabbed our personal instruments and ran for it. You’re very mobile with a trumpet.
It seems to degenerate into bloodshed every year, if reports are to be believed.