Special Agent With The United States Illuminati Is Captured
POLICE LOG: Crime in the news…
RICHARD Anthony Smith is trapped in an air duct about 45 feet below the roof of the Knoxville Museum of Art.
Police and a fire crew attend.
Says Smith:
“Mission failed.” Smith confesses to being a “special agent with the United States Illuminati, badge number 0931.”
His mission?
One from “Director Womack,” to “defuse and confiscate a Soviet-made MERV6SS-22AN warhead, with 14.5 kg of enriched uranium and a plutonium trigger, capable of delivering a 40-kiloton yield.”
Police say Smith believed the device was concealed in a blue, plastic cow sculpture in the basement of the museum.
Not so. While in the air duct, the “agency” called and said the bomb is supposed to be hidden in a museum in Memphis…
Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Anorak In New York, Police Log, Strange But True Comments (15) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink
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September 19th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Bear Grylls,
I’m pretty sure that the Artist Formerly Known as Magnetite packs a pretty mean punch even in his present zombified condition; the shark may have failed but the memory lingers.
Reinstate the previous status quo and you might get out of here alive….
September 19th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
This is Bear Grylls. I am wearing the person you were replying to as a hat, to protect me from the elements. I am now going to try and make it all the way to the chip shop in town with only a helicopter film-crew for company. It is an arduous trek past wild hoodies and across two industrial estates. If I make it alive, I’ll have Channel 4 post him back here. I’ll get a couple of deep-fried half-chickens for the wildmen in the garden. Thanks for the tip, we can all sleep safe in our beds knowing GDZSes are gone. I take my hat off to you…oh, all the guts fell out. They were keeping my head warm, damn it!
September 19th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Have been warned off by Mythbusters and Mike Rowe.
The deadliest catch boys reckon a large crab would make short work of a Zombie Shark.
Anything that tastes like chicken is good as bait.
September 19th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I had you booked on Beeb2, but I heard a thunk at my door just now. Peeking outside, there was a note pinned to my door by two poisoned darts. It just read “We documentary men best. Go or we kill.” Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Bruce Parry and Ray Mears, naked save for a thin coating of dried Alpaca shit for camouflage, ducking back into the privets at the end of my garden.
Your Gobi Desert Zombie Shark hunting prowess has stirred up violent and impassioned jealousies within the danger-film stalwarts who appear to have gone native. or f**king mad, I’m not sure which. My garden reeks of Alpaca shit now though. We’ll ease you in via Sky2 or Beeb4 until I get some traps rigged. I’m not not sure what to bait them with.
September 19th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Sky two? I was hoping for BBC Three!
September 19th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Nice one Saul. We need more hunters of your dedication and calibre, but now you can’t take on a David Carradine Kung-Fu style apprentice. Your skills may be needed in new battles. Or a series on Sky Two at least.
September 19th, 2008 at 10:57 am
That’s a lot of fire-power, but I can see that any Gobi Desert Zombie shark that managed to make it that far from base would need more than a smack on the snout and a ‘Down, Boy!’…
September 19th, 2008 at 10:51 am
İm afraıd that cant be dıvulged. Entusıastıc amateurs put themselves at rısk.
There are some conspıracy theorısts that today stıll claım that Steve Irwın was ındeed a vıctım of the above, and that the barb to hıs heart was ıntended for a 1000yr old Zombıe shark.
September 19th, 2008 at 8:41 am
I’m just a bit worried about your effect on Mother Earth; I’ll bail you out of a Turkish jail but an enraged goddess is asking too much…
How do you kill Gobı Desert Zombıe Sharks, anyway?
Not, of course, that I would dream of doing so…
September 19th, 2008 at 8:28 am
When you are ın the sand busıness you have to be aware of the Gobı Desert Zombıe Shark, pesky crıtters at the best of tımes, absolute buggers after dark.
September 19th, 2008 at 8:25 am
You b*stard, Saul!
If it’s not sand it’s deserts!
Is nothing silicaceous safe from you?
September 19th, 2008 at 8:06 am
——-
That’s like being the worlds best Gobi Desert Zombie Shark hunter. You don’t have to worry about meeting the object of your fear and enmity - ’cause it doesn’t f**king exist.
—–
That is because İ, the worlds best Gobi Desert Zombie Shark hunter, has kılled them all!
September 18th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Yep, chenier. To the nTH (or lack of one) degree. Since Paul Gascoigne was arrested they’ve become very real though. “Ah’ve fund ah hedge ta sleep in terneet when the let us gan.”
[How's your German? Maybe you can fix my Obama/Hitler contribution]
September 18th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
‘an invisible organisation, whose seat of power is unkown and whose motives and ideals are unkowable?’
Ok, I’m taking a wild guess here; a hedge fund?
September 18th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
At least Mr. Smith was doing something. Whoever was protesting against the Illuminati must be the laziest conspiracist in the world. How easy is it to fear an invisible organisation, whose seat of power is unkown and whose motives and ideals are unkowable?
That’s like being the worlds best Gobi Desert Zombie Shark hunter. You don’t have to worry about meeting the object of your fear and enmity - ’cause it doesn’t f**king exist.