We need a celebrity rating service which will allow us to dispatch, once and for all, the toxic waste to the Bad Bank in the Sky, and leave us with the Triple A product that once sold so many newspapers, sorry, graced our fair country.

I know that mathematical models are taking some shit from the hoi polloi at the moment, so this may not be a good day to bring out the long awaited Anorak Celebrity Software.

But we can start by pointing out that if you are willing to turn up for 5K you are not even on the A-list, much less the Triple A * requirements which we will shortly introduce.

The market is saturated with bad bonds, sorry, bad boobs, and they have to go!