Anorak News » Blog Archive » Scientific Fact: It Is Shit Up North:

SCIENTISTS from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine are among us.

Armed with swabs, they wipe 409 people at bus and train stations in five major cities in England and Wales.

Before the results are sent to Jeremy Kyle, the boffins note that the further north they went, the more often they found commuters with faecal bacteria on their hands.

The further north go, the shittier it gets. Fact. The further north you go, the less afraid people are to get their hands dirty. Fact. In Scotland, people call hands “Wipers” and wipe their hands on cloth to give it its distinct tartan design and texture.

Next time out, the scientists would be better advised to swab the northerners arses, possibly with a square of toilet paper or a copy of the Daily Star, and then only if the wasters get up off them.

More facts:

DIRTY HANDS - bus stop study:

Newcastle - men 53%, women 30%
Liverpool - men 36%, women 31%
Birmingham - men 21%, women 26%
Cardiff - men 15%, women 29%
Euston* (London) - men 6%, women 21%

In London, Cardiff and Birmingham, women’s hands are dirtier. Students, retired people or the unemployed have the dirtiest hands.

Professor Mike Catchpole, director of the Health Protection Agency’s Centre for Infections, says:

“People should always wash their hands after using the toilet, before eating or handling food, and after handling animals.”

Those in the south should wash after petting northerners, who should be fitted with collars and small pumps of anti-bacterial hand wash they can wear about their necks…

Anorak

Posted: 15th, October 2008 | In: Bad Science, Media Comments (6) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink

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chenier says:
February 21st, 2009 at 3:14 pm

Wow!

Not exactly shit-hot news, is it?

Though it might have qualified back on 15th October, 2008 when it was published….

yampster says:
February 21st, 2009 at 2:34 pm

‘Appen

Tom says:
February 21st, 2009 at 1:12 pm

the mere fact that the surveys were done at bus stops implies to me that these guys couldn’t even afford a car. I come from York and we are very clean, so I do not agree that all “Northeners” are dirty (being one myself) and would like to mention that Newcastle isn’t classed at Northern England - they are half cast scotsmen.

It’s also interesting if you look at the rat infestation rates comparing the north and south - and how many rats are within a few feet of you at any one time - southerners beware!…………..oh, and the air quality
……….and crime figures - i live in North Yorkshire - be sure to check that one out.
……….and levels of homelessness and drug addiction - oh, you lose again.
……….house prices for a 3 bedroom detached house.
……….quality of healthcare facilities.
….these are ALL facts that are undeniable backed up by figures you can get anywhere online…..just take a peek.

magnetite says:
October 15th, 2008 at 7:47 pm

If I had to wash my hands every time I hugged my whippet, I’d wind up with OCD. Mike Catchpole, the inevitable hyper-mutating MRSA (or somesuch - fill in next pandemic type, source and vector here yourself) will surely strike those who have not been “tempered in raw sh*t” hardest though, won’t it?

I wonder why there is an asterisk after Euston. Does it lead to the disclaimer that “obviously the numbers of people at Euston who serve your food, drinks and newspapers were in the 90th percentile…and we’re not sure that it wasn’t deliberate. We just didn’t want to scare you so we only tested people standing scrubbing themselves with pan scourers and bleach on the platform, and recently-released depressives who just wanted to be cleansed before their leap into the path of the 10.25.”

[Nod to the late George Carlin for the 'tempered in' excerpt...tops two, three times a week! Tops!]