The Top Ten Lapdancing Songs Ever
THE Government is advocating tough new controls on lap-dancing clubs.
No small worry for men for whom lap dancing is just about the only dancing they can do, the 21st century equivalent of the Madness moonstomp and the jive.
The Independent says 50 Labour MPs are demanding that ministers close a planning loophole that allows councils to treat the clubs in the same way as cafes.
In the Times, the unlikely named Josephine Moulds says:
Lap dancing is the ultimate tease… Only the punters are bound by the “no touching” rule. Dancers can get as close as they want, grinding into a man’s lap and simulating sex. A girl will suck her own nipples, pushing them tantalisingly close to the punter’s mouth…The whole thing lasts little more than two minutes.
For such reasons the Top 10 Lap Dancing Song Ever are all less than two minutes long. That Top 10 in full, available on Anorak Records:
I Am What I Am - Jonas Brothers (2:00)
Frank’s Wild Years - Tom Waits (1:34)
Carrie - Cliff Richard (1:59)
There’s No-One Quite Like Grandma – St. Winifred’s School Choir (1:43)
The Birdie Dance – The Tweets (1:29)
The Flight Of The Bumblebee - Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov (1min)
Tiger Feet – Mud (1:59)
Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini – Timmy Mallett (1:09)
Back Home - England World Cup Squad (2.00)
Remember You’re A Womble - The Wombles (1:37)
Bonus track:
Rabbit - Chas and Dave (That’ll be extra)
And many many more…
Posted: 19th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets Comments (12) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink
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June 20th, 2008 at 10:47 am
…it’s a tad longer than 2 minutes - they’ll get dizzy!!
June 20th, 2008 at 12:43 am
“May I suggest Ride of the Valkyries”..
brings to mind Robert Duval’s line:-
“I love the smell of baby oil in the morning…” taken from Apairofhips Now
June 19th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
anorak 9……. not quite in the spirit of the old hand-jive to have a dancer on your lap… unless…..
of course. Willie and the Hand-Jive! (back to Cliffy again)
sorry.
Off to watch House cure all ills.
June 19th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
You can jive sitting down
June 19th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
We blame Anorak, he’s a tart and a half
June 19th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Jerusalem
June 19th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Ah…. not the little blue pills then?
June 19th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
I’m all right now. I’ve taken my pills. Anybody know what chemical castration means?
June 19th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
3
Terry Carty Says:
June 19th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
May I suggest Ride of the Valkyries…
———————————-
No.
I don’t know about June, but the Lady Godiva outing has left me convinced that horses should be confined to Ascot and Deauville…
June 19th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
May I suggest Ride of the Valkyries. Can’t beat a bit of Wagner for getting the old family jewels twitching eeee..by gum get em off luv - I aint got all day!
Oh dear that reminds me, must take my medication! Could be embarrising for all concerned.
June 19th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Yep June! Cliffy was my first love………. aaahhhh.
My latest book has some scenes in a lap-dancing club in London and as research I went to one albeit a very up-market establishment that shall remain nameless.
Weird….. I tried to detach my brain but I couldn’t help but be horrifed at the thought that most of the blokes (of all ages) were married men. I tried not to be a Mary Whitehouse but it was difficult.
The piece above is aptly descriptive.
June 19th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Thats right , upset the Cliff fans, the third time today they’ve been upset…