“ONLY me,” screeches Kerry Katona from the cover of OK!. It’s top news for those tens of Katatonics already missing her weekly column.
Kerry is cuddling her children, to: a) hide her tum-tum; b) keep warm; c) keep steady; d) show us what a proud a terrific mum she truly is?
Inside and Kerry is sat on Santa’s knee. She reaches into his sack and pulls out…
Well, can you guess? Is it?
a) A baked potato
b) A litter of wet kittens
c) Brian McFadden
d) Fern Britton’s autobiography: “Phil Her Up”
It’s e. And Kerry opens her mouth in shock. This is the “lean, man glamour mum” at work and even with her mouth agape no-one dares pops in an Iceland squirrel vol-au-vent or even a wine gum.
Says Kerry: “I’ve got brand new agent, a new me, a new figure and a brand new fresh start.”
And where else do you start but from the bottom. Which bring us to Santa, aka Mark Croft, who tells us that Kerry’s slurred speech on This Morning was down to her medication.
No, not a dose of “just what the doctor ordered”, but cholopromazine, a drug for Kerry’s en vogue bi-polarity.
“I got diagnosed four years ago with alcohol dependency because when me and Brian [McPadding] split up I was devastated and turned to drugs.”
And drink?
Well, not drink. Apart from the one vodka red bull the night before the show.
Says Mark:
At the end of the day, if someone’s in a wheelchair, would you say: ‘You can’t go on because you’re in a wheel chair?’
That question to you, the judges on Strictly Come Dancing and Perry Mason…
“But I’m not an alcoholic!” says Kerry.
“I had to carry her upstairs once in Marbella,” says Mark.
Kerry than says she’d like to go and live in America, where the legal drinking age is 21 and youthful Kerry may not be allowed a drink, should she want one, which she most certainly does not.
“I don’t like the taste of alcohol, that’s why when I go out, I just drink a few shots and get going and that’s it.”
Kerry turns to face the camera:
“I’d love to go to America because no matter where I go I’m trapped. I feel like I’m being watched all the time.”
And read about…
Posted: 10th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (32) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink
Comments
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December 11th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
I agree RW was the best, I loved him. Des Lynham was a bit useless IMO (smug?) so Des O was a welcome relief.
Out of fairness I’ll give the new duo a try…….
December 11th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Am a sad ole girl and after Richard died Countdown was never the same, my cousin and I used to take turns to fone each other about Richard’s jackets….afternoons are not the same
December 11th, 2008 at 11:59 am
I know. Bless him. He does look good and does seem like a genuinely nice bloke. I liked him on Countdown. (my intellectual exercise)
December 11th, 2008 at 11:33 am
That Tesco’s ad is funny
December 11th, 2008 at 11:22 am
still… as long as my fave Keef keeps going I’m happy. A couple of bottles of Jack Daniels, 100 Marlboros and staying up all night seems to be doing him okay!
and what about Des O’Connor then? (he he)
December 11th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Hay June. Life’s a bitch!!
December 11th, 2008 at 10:52 am
yes. agree june.
December 11th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Elvis, Roy Orbison, Gene Pitney all bloody dead
Val Doonican , Barry bloody Manilow and Cliff still creaking on, not fair
December 11th, 2008 at 10:20 am
You are all rotten! Our Kerry is twice the woman that Posh Beckam is. Possibly three or four times the woman.
December 11th, 2008 at 10:16 am
well I like him so yah boo sucks to you.
December 11th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Priscilla Presley..that’s what happened to Elvis.
But better than Cliff’s silly dally with an Aunt Sally.
December 11th, 2008 at 9:44 am
And look what happened to Elvis………. karma for being a meanie to Cliffy.
December 11th, 2008 at 9:40 am
‘Cliff Richard?’
“He’s one of those people who will never die, shame really”
~ Elvis Presley
December 11th, 2008 at 9:29 am
AGW….. wash your mouth out with soap and water. How very dare you?
December 11th, 2008 at 8:41 am
Never his bag.
But he may had more more than a few lyrics from one.
December 11th, 2008 at 12:39 am
Does anyone know why old people used to be convinced that Cliff Richard had a colostomy bag?
December 10th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
How infuriating to have being in wheelchair compared to alcoholism. It’s not a disease it’s a choice.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
…and cheaper
December 10th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
..its got to be better than reading the Sun.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Is that the title of your new book C&C? I would buy it..
December 10th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
back to the bike sheds of Tesco for you Percy!
December 10th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
cool&calm…I have just clicked your link and now know to treat you with more respect as you have had a book published….but then so have Kerry & Posh …so maybe not.
December 10th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
First…
December 10th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Funny…but I would never have believed that doctors are now prescribing a mixture of cocaine, speed, ketamine,vodka and red bull as a cure for Bi-Polar disorder, but it does’nt seem to be doing Kerry any harm….maybe I should try it….Mark next time you run out to see the dealer….oops I mean doctor…score a few bags for me too…I’m starting to slur.
December 10th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
I was here before you honeybunch!
December 10th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
are you stalking me Rupert?
December 10th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Posh isn’t fake. She’s a sweetie.
December 10th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
David…Kerry is as fake as Posh…but more talented….the only problem is …her husband can’t play soccerball very well…but he can run faster than David…especially when Kerry sends him out to score some more Bi-Polar medication.
December 10th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Kerry needs to stop living her life in the press and blaming everything on Bi-Polar. (manic depression)
Come on girl…. take a deep breath, take a good look at yourself and start over.
December 10th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Will Kerry ever be the new Posh?
December 10th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Yes Kerry, come to America. We would be pleased to ignore you completely as you quietly starve to death.
(ooo.. that was a bit vicious)