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Topless Coffee: Five Ways For Coffee Shops To Survive The Recession

YOU know the recession if her when… coffee shops are seducing customers with topless waiters, or bare-istas, as they must be known.

To the Grand View Topless Coffee Shop, Vassalboro, Maine, where due to the hallucinogenic properties of coffee the sign on the door reads “Over 18 only” and “No cameras, no touching, cash only”.

This is venue for hot coffee and cold staff. Where a tall skinny latte is a tanned girl called Amii and a full fat Frappuchino a chubby Alaskan native on a gap year.

Pausing from serving a warmed vanilla muffin, Susie Wiley, says she finds topless staff “very empowering”, a double shot espresso to the regions.

Reports says that locals “expressed fear that it would attract sleazy clientele”.

Coffee shops are crying out reinvention. Something noticed by Anorak’s in-house PR team. Fresh from transforming Rupert The Bear into an urban eco-warrior, saving Nutwood from the Toytown bypass by stapling himself to an oak tree, Anorak PR looks at five way to make coffee shops more popular:

1. Adult book shops. For too the long the adult book-buying demographic has missed out on the book shop boom. Borders has them, so why not Gavin’s Private Shop and the Love Lines franchise? You spill, you buy.

2. Drive-Thru coffee. When Peugeot equipped its 207 hatchback with a “fragrance diffuser”, it responded to customer demand. But while Peugeot drivers shops around town in a sealed tin of Lime Fresh, Tropical Mango, Tender Jasmine, Dog’s Chew Toy and Car-fee (only one made up), other hatchback drivers make do with the small of warmed plastic, Fanta orange and spent apple core. With the Drive Thru everyone can smell of coffee. (Coffee cup holder not supplied.)

3. Rebrand them as “Pubs” - Public Coffee Shops. The high street is crying out for place you can get a book and a pint of beer. No topless baristas, but if the staff cold wear low-cut tops and bend “forward” while “pulling” the ale, then all too the good. Consider fruit machines, salted peanuts and stools. Coffe to be served in cardboard “Tankards”. Look out for the lunchtime “Pound a Mug” dancers.

4. Themed coffee. Tea has shoppe’s – venues that invoke the spirit of olde England as women purse their lips and men in knitted tabards eat scones – so coffee needs to return to its routes. Coffee originated in Ethiopia and the newlook venues –Moon Over Addis Ababa – with coffee served in horns, featuring lunchtime raids enacted by Italian pastry makers.

5. Charity coffee. Each year, Britons leave 3.2trillion litres of coffee in mugs. All the dregs from coffee cups are collected together and distributed to the homeless. The tax burden is lessened, and Big Issue sellers are able to operate thought the day and night with little or no sleep.