Adam Sandler and Christina Ricci’s Porno Uncut

ADAM Sandler and Christina Ricci are making a cutesy porn film. There are thousands of porn films, and most can be summed up in three words: Fill A Hole.

In Born to Be a Star, Sandler is an Iowa-bred loser who discovers that his humdrum parents were porn stars back in the ’70s.

He will make the kind of porn that lonely men in hotel rooms watch to stave of feelings of being a lonely man in a hotel room. For lonely men, TV is all cocks – cocks on QVC; cocks on Jeremy Kyle; Jeremy Kyle; porn; Paul Ross, Britannia High, Channel X…

The lonely men will hope that Born To Be A Star features lots of hardcore sex. But that’s unlikely because getting Ricci to shag on camera would require a rapid downturn in her career, Paris Hilton’s agent and a stolen tape; or a persuasive boyfriend.

Any sex will be flash of something, so that by the time Lonely Man has reached arounsal and that Asti Spumante moment he will erupt over an advert for the new Renault hatchback.

So lonely men will not pay for Born To Be A Star, but watch something with less rigorous production values and 300watt lighting - and very possibly a tighter script.

Porn film have about as much dramatic tension as a Gordon Brown gulp. But they do have more tension than an Adam Sandler movie - unless you’re waiting for the “laugh-out-loud funny” moment advertised on the poster, in which case it’s right at the end when all the credits have rolled and you get up to leave and slip on a pile of vomited nachos and Russell Brand.

Sandler and Ricci would be better just making a sex film. Sandler can dress in huge clown shoes and wear a massive red nose and ginger fright wig to prove that he is funny; and Ricci can look like the actress trying out for the comedy porno by breathing on a glass while having her drugged-up funny bones pounded by a shaven man who sleeps in cling film.

You can watch it over and over and over until you are so anesthetised to the plasticised sex on Filthy Sluts In School and you libido has been squashed flat…

Anorak

Posted: 7th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink