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The Queen Writes To Jade Goody

by | 14th, April 2009

JADE Goody is back on the cover of OK!, telling readers: “HOW THE QUEEN GRANTED MY DYING WISH.”

Her Majesty was caught short with Princess Diana and would not make the same mistake twice. She has responded to the nation’s pleas and lowered the flag to half-mast.

It turns out that Jade is not being channelled by the medium of OK! and that these bon mots are not words from the hereafter – “Ambrosia-pops are mental”; “St Peter wants me evicted”; “Max, God says ‘Call Me” – but taken from Jade’s new book, Jade: Forever In My Heart.

Jade is pictured holding a pen, which might signify this to be a work in progress. Extracts hereafter:

“I keep wanting one more big celebration. I think fancy dress would be good. I said to Jack: ‘You can go as a spoon and I’ll go as a boiled egg.’”

And Bobby and Freddy can go as mummy’s little soldiers?

And the phalanx of celebrities for a guard of honour with crossed eyes, swords and legs:

“Robbie Williams sent me some flowers and I don’t even know him.”

(Who’s his agent?)

“…Jack spoke to Michel Jackson today when I was asleep.

Says Wacko Jacko:

“I’d really love her to come on the summer shows.” (Tickets available from all etc.)

Failing that, Screaming Jay Hawkins will do…

Now for the eats. No OK! story is complete without the menu, and we move to lunch:

“I love chicken, lettuce and mayo sandwiches and bits of chocolate. I love my fizzy drinks to… Ice cream goes down a treat… The boys had salmon and veg.”

Jade says she finds it hard to keep her eyes open. All credit to her, then, for taking time to write her diary.

And then Queen writes:

“I have been instructed to convey the Queen’s warmest good wishes to Jade at what must be a difficult time for her and her family.”

The Queen has a ghost writer. For shame! She fails to add:

Please forgive Philip for ordering the hit, he did it with the country’s best interests at heart.

Amen.



Posted: 14th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink