Jade Goody’s Jack Tweed Is On Suicide Watch
BERFORE we get to the news that “Fragile” Jack Tweed, Mr Jade Goody, is on “suicide lag wing”, we introduce Sun scribes JAMES CLENCH and ANDY CRICK to nominative determinalism.
Clench and Crick tell us:
FRAGILE Jack Tweed has been locked in a tough jail’s secure hospital wing to protect him from hard-case lags, we can reveal. Bosses at Chelmsford Prison have put the terrified 21-year-old in a single cell alongside inmates on suicide watch amid fears he will be targeted.
The papers love suicide. Bridgend was dubbed “suicide town“. There was a”cult of suicide“. There were “Suicidal Thoughts With The Daily Sport”. Read: Bridgend Watch: A Look At The Cult Of Suicides In The Media.
Here’s a list of jobbing celebs the media has placed on Suicide Watch:
Knut
Bankers
Soldiers
Shannon Matthews’ kidnapper
JK Rowling
Heather Locklear
Pete Wentz
Jordan twice!
Britney Spears thrice!!…
Big Brother star
Jo O’Meara
Jade Goody
Paris Hilton
Amy Winehouse
Paul Gascoigne
A source said: “He’s been through some terrible weeks and the bosses don’t want to take any risks with him.”
Risks?
He was moved almost immediately on to the Category B Essex jail’s healthcare wing. It is recognised as the prison’s “safest” area and houses vulnerable inmates thought likely to self-harm.
Is this what it’s come to – watching Jack Tweed for the moment he can take no more and opts to join Our Jade prematurely?
A source tells us:
“All of the furniture in Jack’s cell will be moulded to the floor or the walls, so that none of it can be thrown around, broken and used as a makeshift weapon. There’s nothing in the cell to which you could attach a ligature.”
While other inmates play indoor golf, darts and slide down the climbing walls on piano wires, Jack sits and waits.
And outside jail, tabloid hacks do the same…
Posted: 16th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (13) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink
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April 16th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
I had Cobain’s too, for a while. Sadly, without a soft palate to add much needed reverb I found it flat and listless. George V now - that rolling ‘r’ at the end of Bugger Bognor - a classic. Even better that Charlton Heston’s “I didn’t really like guns, you knowwwwwwwwwwwwww…”
April 16th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
You can have it as a ring tone. It’s on the Celeb Rattles website. I have the Kurt Cobain one as an alarm call
April 16th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
It is a given he’ll make money (maybe?) with his claim to fame being Jade Goody’s husband, albeit briefly. I would hope no one was ’sick enough’ to have recorded her final hour(s). .
April 16th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
It’s money for old rope for the TV company. They will buy Jack and his ‘mate’ a pub in Essex. This mate is probably someone Jack has not yet met but who is considerably more articulate than Jack. They will spend a few grand tarting up the place and let the pair of them loose to try to make a go of the new enterprise. They will not intervene except perhaps to stop Jack burning it down for the insurance and will film the whole ‘car crash’ for Living TV. Whether the pub lives or dies is irrelevant. The TV company can’t lose.
On second thoughts, letting him burn it down would be good for a couple of episodes
April 16th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Jade’s book is at number one and there are another two in the pipeline. Jade’s TV shows have highest viewing figures…….
Jack will do equally as well.
The way we view fame is really bizarre.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Her last breath was recorded for posterity by Jade Goody Productions and will be available in the autumn as part of a boxed set of memorabilia
(Boxed set. Geddit?)
April 16th, 2009 at 11:06 am
He is such a wimp! From what I recall reading he didn’t even have the decency, courage to stay by his wife’s side as she laid dying taking her last breath. Take his own life? The Prison officials are more likely concerned that an inmate might do the late Jade Goody’s husband harm!
April 16th, 2009 at 10:12 am
….if you mean “a colouring book”….then maybe…possibly….given time….
April 16th, 2009 at 10:08 am
…at least now Jack now has some time set aside for thoughtful study….something simple to start with….like the numbers 1…2 & 3…and the letters …like…A…B….& C..
…it could come in useful …for his career as a celebrity….and for keeping golf scores correctly….
Yampy….really..Jack w-r-i-t-e a book!!!?….you is having a fantasy matey.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:47 am
By Cool Hand Jack
April 16th, 2009 at 9:46 am
A single cell in a suicide ward….with en-suite , plasma screen t.v and high speed p.c….. ….sounds like the lap of luxury to a lag like me….Jack is a lucky lad.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:42 am
coming soon to OK magazine and a bookshop near you…..
‘My Prison Nightmare’.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:40 am
There’s not much chance of him topping himself when he has so much to live for. His quest to fulfill the remaining, so far unknown, last wishes will keep him and the media busy for years