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America’s Next Top Model Does Horse Porn, In Pictures

TO the Santa Anita Race Track with the girls from America’s Top Model, that reality TV show in which Tyra Banks overseas a game of tag-team bitchiness, teaching models that walking up and down, standing still long enough to have your photo taken by a middle-aged man who understands overexposure, and not eating is not a doddle.

For starters, you have to behave like Tyra Banks, the show’s host, whose gift to modelling is Fierce Eyes”, which Caitlin Moran describes…:

“…by which the Fierce Eye-ee both widens their eyes, and squints, simultaneously, while looking borderline psychotic. For those who never witnessed Banks doing it, imagine the look on Miss Piggy’s face as she shouts ‘Hi-ya CHOP!’.”

While Tyra Banks shouts “FIERCE EYES, Uniqua! FIERCE EYES!” and sets about making modelling look harder than walking up and down – the girls edge closer to a prize that will never be theirs.

But they are on the telly. And that makes them winners. The telly is not where America’s Top Model begins and ends – the show’s first winner Adrianne Curry made it all the way to Playboy and saucy Twitter Pics – but it is oh-so important.

Having arrived on the telly, the vapid girls are then, as is the way with all reality TV shows, encouraged to discover what they would not do to stay on the telly.

And it’s popular. Earlier this year, the show triggered a stampede in New York, in which two people were hospitalised after…

“…an overheated car drove past the queue of aspiring models. One contestant reportedly saw the vehicle and shouted, ‘there’s a bomb’, causing the thousands of applicants to panic and surge away from the car. Other reports say the 10,000 women assembled outside a midtown Manhattan hotel trampled one another after someone yelled “fire”.

These girls are prepared to die to be on the telly. And they are also prepared to engage in some semi-porn pictures in which they whip off their tops and drape themselves over horses.

It’s all very arty, naturally, although Old Mr Anorak points us toward his collection of DD Peanuts’ backing cards, those pub favourites, each card featuring a scantily clad lovely, her filberts secreted behind packets of peanuts. The more nuts you buy the more of loverly Aymii you get to see.

In these shots, the peanuts are replaced by the model’s nylon-woven hair.

This is what you need to do, ladies, to be a top model – you need to get your top off…