Scary 98lb Angelina Jolie Haunted By Jennifer Aniston
DO you know that Angelina Jolie weighs 98lbs? Well, she does. The National Enquirer can tell a person’s weight just by looking at them. One day the magazine will finally launch Weight Bitch, in which a reader can angle the magazine towards a work colleague or family members and learn that person’s true weight.
The NE gives hope to its readers, following the boastful headline figure with news on how to be as thin as Jolie. All you need is one Jennifer Aniston and to shag Brad Pitt.
IN “SCARY SKINNY ANGIE HAUNTED BY JEN – 98lb. star blames shocking weight loss on hated rival”, readers learn all about the Jolie Diet.
Jolie, we learn, has an “unhealthy obsession” with Jennifer Aniston. While Jen is dating Gerard Butler – the 10th Rule of Tabloid Journalism dictates that Aniston must be dating the lead male in her rom-com filmz – Jolie is “rail thin”.
But might the Enquirer source be wrong? The picture of Jolie looking “scary” was taken on her tour of refugees in Somalia. Would it do well for her to arrive fatter than a Texan with bits of crisps caught in her jowls? No, it would not. To empathise with the dispossessed and hungry Jolie must blend in.
Angie is the first exponent of Method Giving, wherein the charitable Hollywood star gets into character the hard way.
But the NE knows better and says Aniston is haunting Jolie:
“When Angie logs onto her computer, Jen’s on every Web Site.”
Right again. Here’s the UN website, reviewing Jen’s latest choice of panty liner; Huge Erections features naked Jen on a Solihull building site; Jen is the lead story in the Financial Times, a picture of her in a car used to illustrate a special report on Russian oil reserves.
“Angie can’t open a magazine without seeing Jen’s face smiling back at her.”
That’s certainly the case in the Enquirer, which routinely features pictures of a beaming Aniston alongside shots of a miserable looking Jolie.
On a brighter note, a source compares Jen to a “walking skeleton”, a description that assures her ultimate respect back home in LA…
Posted: 22nd, September 2009 | In: Key Posts, National Enquirer Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink
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October 10th, 2009 at 4:44 am
I wonder how Ginger became such an expert of EVERYTHING she claims Jen is doing? Does she stalk her every move, hide in the corner of a room to observe all this sleeping around she claims Jen does? Maybe these men are FRIENDS she shares dinner with - every hear of people being just “Friends” without going to bed???? I think she is American’s sweetheart and maybe she isn’t after a “permanent” man at this point in her life. You sound a little green around the gills.
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:09 am
Only idiots believe the National Enquirer! Jennifer didn’t know how to support Brad so he went with someone else. So that idiot comment before mine should get over it so that way America’s Sweet-Chain-Smoking-Sleeps-With-Every-Man-Around-Hollywood-Heart can get over her mistake as well. Lord, that woman sure goes around. And she’s America’s Sweetheart??? Keep with one man. Obviously, she tried, but no one wanted to stay with her…. she should just lay low and not date anyone for another five years.
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:51 pm
she should have seen this coming. She will always know who the righful owner of her husband is