Katie Price’s Chicken Nuggets, Sex And Dwight Yorke’s Ring

HIGH time to hear from former Katie Price squeezer Dwight Yorke, Harvey’s daddy.

In “DWIGHT YORKE EXCLUSIVE”, the NoTW hears Dwight “reveal sensational details on his relationship with Katie Price”.

Ready for the sensation? Go:

DWIGHT YORKE: Jordan is wild in bed, Katie Price is tender

Dwight has bought into that marketing plot in which Jordan, the pneumatic aide to masturbation is different to Kate Pie, the pneumatic aide to masturbation in an apron. That’s Katie Price flashing her bra in an interview with Piers Morgan. That’s Jordan flashing her bra in the papers. See the difference?

PULLING Katie Price was like winning the double for soccer star Dwight Yorke – he quickly discovered she had TWO bedroom personas.

He’s up for the cups:

“Making love to KATIE could be an entirely different experience to making out with JORDAN. Katie was much more tender, much more loving, much softer. She’d love to cuddle up afterwards – and who wouldn’t want to be snuggled up to her? Jordan was completely different – the fireworks could be spectacular. The wilder the sex, the more Jordan seemed to like it. She was uninhibited and fiery.”

So when your lover is wild in bed she’s one person and when she’s a cosy cuddler she’s another. Forget pet names for sexual organs, time to give yourselves alter egos for every sexual position. Missionary sex should be termed “Jane Eyre”, while the Reverse Cowboy is hereon dubbed “Princess Chantellenella Paris Lady Fostropp-Stiffe”.

What follows is a romance full of puns:

Dwight was already a legendary scorer on and off the pitch. But he met his match the night he came up against Jordan’s pair of superstar strikers at London’s Attica nightclub…

Dwight had visions of adding Katie’s treasure chest to his trophy cabinet of conquests…

It was three weeks later that Dwight finally broke his duck…

Dwight recalls:

“My hopes for a more entertaining end to the evening were quickly dashed. Jordan made it clear nothing like that was on the agenda – she even paid for her own McDonald’s. All I got that night was a bag of chicken nuggets and a definite sense of anticlimax!”

On another date, the repartee was dazzling:

“We arrived back in the dead of night. For once I was a little uncertain what was expected of me… As she climbed into bed only one thought was on my mind. At last, I thought. We chatted for a few minutes before I leaned over to kiss her. Katie responded. And then broke off to say, ‘You’re not getting any nookie, you know?’

‘Whaaat?! What do you mean?’ ‘Not on the first night.’

‘You must be joking me,’ I stuttered. ‘No. No nookie!’ We kissed a couple more times, enjoyed a nice cuddle and in my head I was thinking, ‘It’s just a matter of time, she’ll come round.’

“But she was true to her word. No nookie for me. I wished she’d told me earlier. . . I could have gone to sleep.”

Then Dwight cheated on her, and he tells us:

“Our little fairytale was over.”

Anorak looks thought the Big Bumper Book Of Fairytales and duly finds the Brother’s Quimm tale of how a woman grew enormous turnips in her bra and the footballer pulled and pulled and pulled… and finally – pop! – out came a holiday in the Caribbean and a £45,000 ring:

“We flew home separately. Me alone, Katie with Harvey. And no, she never gave me back that f***ing ring.”

And Jordan? Well, she floated back…