Martine McCutcheon’s The Mistress Shames Parodists
FORMER EastEnders actress Martine McCutcheon’s debut novel The Mistress is a work of parody that should make the nation’s satirists hang their heads in envy and snap their pencils in two.
For reasons based in pride and a desire to showcase McCutcheon’s enviable talents, the publishers, Pan Macmillan, have published the book’s first chapter on the web:
Mandy loved her home in the basement of a grand stucco property in Queensgate, South Kensington. As she walked into the entrance she checked herself out in the mirror. She felt good, more confident than she had expected to at this turning point in her life. She reached for her lip brush and added one final coat of luscious gloss. She cleaned any remaining stains off her teeth with her tongue and smiled at herself in the mirror. Her hair was dark as ebony and it fell in shiny waves over her shoulders; her skin was flawless, even and gleaming, her long dark lashes framing her beautiful big brown eyes perfectly. Her lower lip was fuller than the top and when she smiled she lit up the room. She grabbed her keys and her clutch bag and quickly squirted some perfume.
And not just any perfume. Martine’s heroine – can you guess who she’s modelled on? - is less a work of fiction than women in search of a brand:
She grabbed her slightly sodden copy of Grazia again and headed out of her heavy black door, pulling it shut by its knocker.
Knocker?
‘Ready, darlin’?’ said the cabby with a twinkle in his eye – he clearly found Mandy attractive.
The cabbie:
He was a sweet, cheeky chappie in his thirties with cute dimples – a typical black-cab driver in his Ralph Lauren jumper with polo-shirt collar poking up from underneath.
Not ‘alf bad, Mandy. But not as attractive as attractive Mandy finds attractive London, attractively:
God, she loved London. Even in the rain, she found it romantic. As they drove past the Natural History Museum, Harrods and one of her favourite hotels, the Lanesborough at Hyde Park Corner, the old streetlights glowed a deep orange and fairy lights twinkled in the trees, building up the momentum for Christmas… London was such a fast place, full of different nationalities, different religions. On a bad day it could feel suffocating, but generally it felt to Mandy like the most exhilarating city in the world, with the speed of New York but the history of a Paris or a Rome. If you went for it, truly went for it, you could get the life you wanted here, and that was Mandy’s aim – to have it all. And why not? She’d read a greeting on a card once in Paperchase on the King’s Road that had truly stuck with her:
Reach for the moon, and even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.
She loved it and used it as a mental pick-me-up whenever she felt low.
And that’s just the opening to the first chapter. If anyone would like us to get a copy of the book and appraise in full – chapter by chapter – do let us know.
Martine McCutcheon’s Diary Of A Mandy is available for your enjoyment…
Spotter: Marina Hyde
Posted: 30th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities Comments (15) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink
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September 30th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
C&C, dairy and other ladies
I think Anorak should open accounts for us at all the top London stores to try out all the designer labels, you know in the interest of RESEARCH for his bodice rippers.
I’m looking for a mascara, that won’t run clump or clog, gives me huge lashes and lasts til i remove it….
September 30th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Well Anorak, you seem to be liking it just a teeny bit too much! Lucky you getting an advance copy eh? (memo to self. check out the advance and throw the rope over the beams)
September 30th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Anorak - well impressed - you have obviously missed your calling….!
…but it’s not too late to capitalise on your literary run and produce a satirical bodice ripper….??
September 30th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Too kind C&C. You want more…
Mandy had always loved dating and having fun with the opposite sex. All through her twenties the attention made her feel fantastic, and dating different men was exciting but, turning twenty-nine, she had realized she dreaded hitting thirty. There was so much she wanted to do, and life wasn’t working out as she’d planned. She had been with many different men because no one man seemed able to tick all the boxes. If they were funny, they were ugly; if they were clever, they were dull; and if they were great lovers, they were normally stupid. Their best way of communicating with you was obvious.
September 30th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
reach for the moon and if you miss, you’ll most certainly burn up on re-entry….
September 30th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Okay Anorak, if she did write it all herself then I apologise. I shall check that out!
I don’t knock authors if its all their own work.
June, cat just cost me another £65 after being battered again by neighbours thug cat. it always cost around the same, expensive but not worth claiming on pet insurance with £50 excess and 10% charge.
September 30th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
C&C (6) - I think this might be all Martine’s own work…
September 30th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
C&C, talking of which , how is your cat?
Aw Percy just keep to fake rivets on your eyelids, they can match the ones on your jeans, and, if you are feeling generous you could have mirrors in them for passing celebs to admire themselves….
September 30th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
P.S. When I refer to this excert as “riveting stuff” , I mean in the sense that I would prefer to have my eyelids welded and riveted shut to prevent me reading any more of Martines pulp….but I am sure you knew that already.
I was, however, serious in my suggestion that Anokak could be a service to literary satire & criticism by having its own Celebrity Bookclub feature in the future…
September 30th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Aw Gee. why does every z list sleb want to write a novel? and why do all the publishers let them?
First the warts an all autobio and then a novel.
Though I guess it was inevitable Martine would write one as her mother already has. (her mother? Yes, her mother)
still, I guess the likes of Kerry Katie and Ko keep the ghost writers in work.
Miaow? Moi? too right!
September 30th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
So, Mandy likes clutch bags does he? but great balls of fire can he not do his maquillage in the bedroom like the rest of us?
September 30th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
A book of the week club - I like it, Percy. Martine sets the standards that other must strive for…
September 30th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Incredible! Having totally mastered the dramatic arts and all of their subtle nuances Mz (Miss?,Mrs?) McCutcheon now shows the likes of Dickens,Shakespeare et al. just how this whole writing malarky SHOULD be done.
September 30th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Reach for the moon, and even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.
That is true…if you’re failed NASA moon probe turned solar satellite Ranger 3.
September 30th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Riveting stuff…I would not have believed Martine was so talented an author had I not seen it for myself. Thanks Anokak….now that Richard & Judy’s Bookclub has closed shop maybe you should make this look at English literature a regular feature….