Bill Clinton’s Top Ten David Letterman Jokes
DAVID Letterman sticks his tongue through his teeth and fesses up to shagging members of his staff. It’s an all-too- predictable story of a powerful man shtupping younger women keen to impress the boss and get ahead (fnar).
A story of enemies, the law and tapes. You may have heard the story before in the case of Bill Clinton.
Bill loved the ladies, and Dave loved that Bill provided him with easy material for his funnies. Like Bill, Dave has nicknames for women working under him (hit that snare drum). You can read them here. Here’s Dave:
“Today, Monica Lewinsky is 28,” he joked in 2001. “It seemed like just yesterday she was crawling around on the floor in the Oval Office.”
Monica Lewinsky’s Top Ten Nicknames for Bill Clinton”
10. Puffy the Intern Slayer
9. Sheriff Bubba
8. The Chief Sexecutive
7. Unnamed High-Ranking Official
6. My Sweet Impeachable You
5. The Little Rock Rascal
4. El Presidente del Armor
3. Tubby Dearest
2. Commander-in-Briefs
1. Free Willie 2
“President Clinton has gotten himself a new dog. … He’s teaching the dog to sit up, to beg, to roll over — you know, just like he did with the interns.”
“Now we hear that Monica has sued the President for $1,000,002.50. That’s one million for pain and suffering and $2.50 for dry cleaning.”
“I really have to hand it to the White House. Around here we can’t even get the interns to work the copy machine.”
“Bill and Hillary Clinton helped drop the ball in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. But it was frigid. It was bitter cold, it was icy. And that’s just their marriage, ladies and gentlemen”
“You may think you have a stressful job, but since she’s been a Senator, Hillary Clinton, they say, put on 30 pounds. In fact, she has gotten so heavy that today Bill hit on her.”
“Celebrity birthdays, today Monica Lewinsky is 28. It seemed like just yesterday she was crawling around on the floor in the Oval Office.”
“No move ever goes smoothly. Today Clinton’s brand new desk arrived. He had to send it back, apparently not enough head room.”
— David Letterman
“Monica Lewinsky has her own show on HBO. I have not seen it yet but I understand it’s getting very good word of mouth.” -David Letterman
“Monica Lewinsky was on Larry King Live tonight. Monica really liked Larry King. Actually, she likes any guy with a desk.”
“Over the weekend President Clinton’s dog Buddy died. It is a heartbreaking thing because Buddy was a great dog. Buddy could rollover, Buddy would beg. Buddy could catch things in his mouth – wait a minute – I’m sorry. I am thinking of Monica.”
“President Bush has authorized the drop of 15,000-pound bombs on Afghanistan. I believe that is the heaviest ordered drop by a president since … well, Monica.”
“It turns out now that Bill Clinton … he had tape recorders working in the Oval Office. This could get pretty good. They apparently were voice activated, just like his fly. These tapes are available to everybody. There’s 80 in the Clinton audiotape collection. And if you buy all 80, he’ll throw his sex video, ‘Too Hot for the Starr Report.’ … The tape recorder was equipped with forward, reverse and pause, just like his interns. … The people that have listened to them say you can’t really hear anything because of the sound of Monica’s head thumping on the desk.”
“The House has approved drilling for oil in the Alaska wilderness. Say what you will about Clinton, but he was only interested in drilling in the Oval Office.”
“Bush went to Wisconsin, to a Harley Davidson factory and rode a motorcycle. It’s the biggest thing a president has ridden since … I just can’t bring myself to throw that joke away.”
“Well, President Clinton has gotten himself a new dog. You know, I think it’s changing his life, kind of brightening him up. He’s teaching the dog to sit up, to beg, to roll-over, you know, just like he did with the interns.”
“The suburbs are cold also. Up in Chappaqua, Bill and Hillary accidentally got into the same bed. It’s that cold.”
And then there are the rape gags…
Posted: 3rd, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comment (1) | TrackBack | Permalink
