Closer: Lindsay Lohan’s Suicide, Katie Price’s Crying Kids And Cheryl Cole
IN this week’s Closer magazine: Lindsay Lohan’s suicide, Victoria Beckham is 700, Myleene Klass is proud of Charlotte Church, speaking for Cheryl Cole and fears for Katie Price and Peter Andre’s kids…
* THE death of Lindsay Lohan is proving to be a popular story. Following news that Lohan will die in 2010 – and your glimpse into her future – Closer magazine explains the method of her demise:
“SUICIDE FEARS FOR LINDSAY.”
“Friends say the star – who looked miserable and dishevelled in Paris recently – is living on a diet of pills, vodka and cigarettes.”
That would seem to be unlikely. But Closer has no time to investigate and beneath a picture of Lohan smoking a ciggie, tells us:
“She’s been wearing loads of bracelets too, which friends fear are covering up wounds from cutting herself.”
Again no proof, but adding to the obituary for the living is Michael Lohan, Lindsay’s dear old dad:
“Prescription drugs can destroy and kill a person and are sometimes harder to stop. Look at Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson.”
Well, we’d rather not, if it’s all the same. Bit ghoulish. But at least Michael Lohan is on trend - iatrogenic deaths are all the rage in Tinsel Town.
All the pictures of Lindsay Lohan past, present and future here…
* KATIE and Peter are “damaging” their kidzzz, maybe. So says a Closer expert in:
“’Jordan and Peter’s rows may damage their kids.’”
“Pals” are said to be “worried”. The same pals say the nippers are being used as “pawns” in the fight.
Peter says, “The kids are my life.” Alex Reid says, “I love the kids”. Katie says she hates “hearing them crying when I ring them”.
Men in caravan parks on the Welsh coast whose names feature on police lists says, “We love watching the kidzzzzzzzzzz.”
* VICTORIA Beckham: “POSH’S family fear for her health”.
A source tells Closer that Sticky Vicky Beckham is “barely eating 700 calories a day, but she’s still running up to four miles a day. She mostly does it in the morning so she can start the day with minus calories.”
And what with her getting dressed and talking, the calories are burnt faster than a English holidaymaker in a Dubai boutique.
* IN another article, Closer expresses a “FEAR FOR SKINNY STARS – Broken hearted or fixated with their weight, these celebs are dropping pounds – and friends are concerned.”
These friends are so concerned that decline to give their names as they express their concern to the media. This feature, taking in Kym Marsh, Lily Allen and Jessie Wallace, occupies two pages right after a double page spread entitled: “We’ve gone form flab to fab!”, in which Tyra Banks, Natalie Cassidy and Hannah Waterman tell readers why they feel good to have lost loadsa fat.
* FOR those of you sneering at Cheryl’s Cole lip-synched tin soldier impression on the X Factor, Kelly Osbourne is here to set you right:
“Cheryl Cole has been criticised for pre-recording her ‘live’ performance on The X Factor, but these shows are so full-on, there just wouldn’t be time to sing live.”
What with the adverts, the standing ovations and the contestants singing live, suppose not…
* JUST when you were wondering where she was, up pops Myleene Klass to tell us that she wants a full her house of babies – three queens and two Jacks – and thinks her new Baby K range of clothes for the caring social worker are just fab.
And then Myleene adds to Anorak’s Proud Watch, in which a person unconnected to another say how proud they are of them:
“I really admire Charlotte Church as a parent. She’s such a grafter so it makes me proud that she likes it.”
Proud of you, Charlotte. Proud to be proud…
More from Closer next week…