X Factor: John and Edward Grimes Lure Paedophiles And Topless Teenage Girls To Hampstead

TO the leafy environs of Hampstead, where paedophiles are threatening the X Factor contestants and their young screaming fans. The Sun says that the fans are engaging in “lewd acts”.

The Sun does as any responsible organ should and dispatches two writers and a photographer to the scene post haste.

Police were called after teenage girls flashed their BOOBS at John and Edward Grimes - who responded by grabbing their CROTCHES in a Michael Jackson-style jokey dance.

John and Edward grabbed their own crotches, a habit you may imagine they have performed before, perhaps many, many times. The teenage girls’ crotches remained unmolested. For now.

Concerned local Alexander Netsler said yesterday: “I saw a girl who must have only been about 14 lifting up her top to flash at the twins. I had to look away. With all these young girls about it is attracting dirty old men to come and stare at them.”

The age of the Sun’s reporter Sean Hamilton is not given, but we imagine him to be no older than 10. Disgusted of Hampstead goes on:

“These girls - some as young as 11 - are writing pornographic messages on the barriers. They are also writing their phone numbers on the walls, and no one is doing anything about it.”

These number should be taken down. No, not in a book. These numbers should be taken down before a middle-aged gonk in a soiled coat and blonde fright wig calls them, asks for Armani and pretends to be Edward or John – or both! – and grabs his crotch.

Mr Netsler said he called the duty inspector at Colindale police station to complain about the twins’ behaviour on Sunday morning.

We called the number ITV flashes on the screen on Saturday nights. But someone told us it only encourages the twins so we stopped. The neighbour goes on:

“He [A. Wooden-Top] was disgusted by it all. He said that the production crew are not honouring their commitments to us and they are meeting with the production team with a view to closing the house and moving them out.”

But this house seems like honey trap for pervs, paedos and the mentally negligible. Leave it open, says we, and keep John and Edward in it forever as lures for the nastier elements of society.

Another witness, a millionaire businessman who wanted to remain nameless, said of the incident: “It’s really not the sort of thing you want to wake up to on a Sunday morning. The girls were screaming the boys’ names and then they started doing Michael Jackson routines.”

We all know the Michael Jackson routine – it starts with a sleep over, then comes the Jesus Juice and then the multi-million dollar payout.

But the Sun wants more and it tells us:

Residents are furious with the ITV1 show’s production team for not keeping the house’s location secret from fans - who travel from as far as Scotland and Leeds to scream at their idols.

Which brings us to the paper’s vox pop, which takes in a girl from Hendon, who we are told “travelled an hour on the bus” (which in north-west London gets you about two miles), a woman from two streets away, and a cab-load of adults from Wapping…

Anorak

Posted: 28th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink