X Factor: Cheryl Cole’s Sauna, Dannii Minogue’s Playboy Photos And Stacey Solomon’s Police Escort

X FACTOR Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at the X Factor in the news: Cheryl Cole’s mirrored sauna, Dannii Minogue’s Playboy gift, Stacey Solomon’s police escort, Dizzee Rascal and bring back Top of the Pops…

More magazine: “Cheryl Cole : My ‘nemesis’ will get me”

“Looking into her crystal ball of pop she says: ‘My job is make-believe and at the end of the make-believe I’ll always have family. So if I’m blessed, touch wood, I’d love a big family.’”

Cheryl Cole is just over 5ft tall; her husband Ashley Cole is “small”.

Daily Express: “CHERYL’S SECRET POOL PLAN IS SUNK”

CHERYL COLE has lost a battle to build a hidden swimming pool to protect her from Peeping Toms. The X Factor judge wanted an underground gym and pool at her £3.5million home to save her being ogled by photographers and fans.

It’s curtains for Cheryl’s dreams of privacy.

Cheryl and her husband, Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole, are now expected to build the gym and pool – complete with sauna, spa, steam room and bar – above ground in the 12 acres around their home.

The complex will be 100ft in the air and reached by a glass lift.

To shield them from prying eyes, they are considering using mirrored glass, for which they will not need planning permission.

Mirrored glass on the inside or outside? On the inside, they need never go out. On the outside, Simon Cowell need never go in.

The Sun: “Stacey’s Cop Shop”

COPS gave X Factor hopeful Stacey Solomon an escort to flee fans on a shopping trip yesterday. There was chaos when the Dagenham diva, 20, nipped to the Lakeside mall in Essex with sister Jemma, 22… Officers and security guards formed a shield around the girls to help them reach their car.

The phalanx of officers fighting back the mob can be seen in the above picture. It’s cray-zee.  (The Celebrity Police Force always get their photo.)

Islington Gazette: Alex’s old school has X Factor too!

X FACTOR winner Alexandra Burke’s old school has been praised by inspectors for its “high ambitions”.

Can a school get a Nobel Prize for good intentions?

Daily Mirror, Brian Reade:

Have you noticed how, due to compulsory teeth-bleaching on the X Factor (right), everyone else on telly looks like they’ve just finished chewing a set of Yellow Pages?

Not least of all those spray tanned lovelies on Strictly Come Dancing who forgot to close their mouths.

The Sun: “Dannii stripped to pay off debt”

X FACTOR judge Dannii Minogue has revealed she stripped naked for Playboy to pay off her crippling debts.

Is that the only reason?

“The magazine was the biggest selling title they had ever had and they had to reprint. My girlfriends went out to buy it and told me I looked beautiful. It then felt like a celebration of me.”

And a really good **** for the readers.

Daily Star: “YOUR MOUTH IS SO BIG IT’S LIKE LOOKING INTO A CAVE”

The collected metaphors of Simon Cowell:

Oh, gosh, where do I start? I mean, I’m not being rude but you look like the Incred-ible Hulk’s wife.

You sounded like Cher after she’s been to the dentist.

Let me throw a mathematical dilemma at you – there’s 500 left, well how come the odds of you winning are a million to one?

Darling, it’s not just that you have a bad voice, you were singing notes that have never been invented.

Holly, your mouth is far too big when you sing. It’s like looking into a cave.

You doing that ballad is rather like casting Ricky Gervais as Rambo.

If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning.

You walk in like a couple of garden gnomes, and us judges are immediately going to say no.

I presume there was no mirror in your dressing room tonight.

If you had lived 2,000 years ago and sung like that, I think they would have stoned you.

You really have the personality of a handle.

It was more like swan pond than Swan Lake.

That song was like going to a zoo. The noises, it was beyond anything I’ve ever, ever heard.

It’s more like Ant and Deaf!

You came in here three years ago without any teeth. You look better, but the voice has got worse.

What do you think we are all looking for – a two-year-old who can’t sing?

Shave off your beard and wear a dress. I think you’d be a great female impersonator.

You came in, you called yourself Champagne and you sounded like house wine.

I’m tempted to ask if you sang that the night before your wife left you.

I could sell you as a sleeping aid. I’ve never heard anything more boring in my life.

You have just invented a new form of torture.

There is as much chance of you being a pop or rock star as me flying to the moon tomorrow morning for breakfast.

Can I ask you a question? Do you and your girlfriend sing together at home? Have the police ever been called?

It’s like the outpatients of an insane asylum.

Did you really believe you could become the American Idol? Well, then, you’re deaf.

You actually sing like a train going off the rails.

With a drag act the whole point is you are supposed to look like the person you are impersonating. You just look like a fat bloke in a red wig.

The singing was atrocious but then again the Spice Girls were No1.

Basically, it’s like someone blowing their nose for two minutes over a Michael Jackson song.

The idea that we put you two in front of the Royal family whilst you’re doing something with cucumbers and you’re playing with chainsaws… this is something you should do at home, behind closed doors.

The Guardian, Lynsey Hanley: “Bring back Top of the Pops

Spare us the meritocratic myths of X-Factor. We need to recapture the old spirit of Top of the Pops embodied

Pop is in danger of becoming another of the closed-shop professions that anyone without the breeding or the nous finds it impossible to enter. The charts are strewn with posh pop stars who could, frankly, have found gainful employment at the higher end of the civil service. What do Florence and the Machine, La Roux, Will Young, and Lily Allen have in common? A private education, of course, which affords them the galloping confidence and social network required to make their way in whichever field they choose to excel in.

Then there are the state-educated artists – Amy Winehouse, Adele, Katie Melua, the Noisettes – who learned the same tricks at the specialist Brit School in Croydon. The result of such fame-farming is that you end up with the Kooks when what we really need for inspiration are actual kooks. The one bucket-educated, self-made current star who has managed to steer his way through pop’s Krypton Factor course completely on his own terms, without contacts, industry polish or the aid of reality television, is Dizzee Rascal.

Maybe he had talent?

Anorak

Posted: 29th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink