I’m A Celebrity: Jan Moir Is The Daily Mail’s Katie Price

I’M A Celebrity, With Jan Moir and Katie Price. Jan Moir, last seen trashing Stephen Gately in print, now has a turn on Katie Price. Reading the piece, Anorak cannot but help think that Moir has confused her private diary with her work.

Is she talking about Katie Price or herself? Let’s take a look:

Sweet kangaroo cutlets, what have we here? Katie Price back in the jungle again? I’m afraid so. I’m very, very afraid so. On Monday evening, the former topless model, sex pest, author and freshly divorced mother-of-three returned to I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here!

That’s the pursed-lipped preamble, the diatribe equipped with one large colour picture of Katie in a bikini and in the shower for the newspaper and three pictures for web fans. Moir goes on:

Five years on from her first appearance in the reality show, shot on location in the Australian rainforest, Price is the first contestant to be invited to return.

It’s six years, Jan. Katie Price was on the show in 2003. Back to the professional writer:

Already she has reflected the, ahem, prestige and dignity of her jungle homecoming by wearing animal-print clothes that are tighter than anything the animals ever managed. She also thrashed around in a filthy swamp, washed her breasts in public and offered to give everyone a massage.

See pictures of tight clothes and much thrashing in the Daily Mail.

And this is where things start to get weird:

Inviting Price to return may be a surprising break with tradition for ITV, but let’s be honest here. Both parties are desperate. The TV company needs the ratings fillip that such a controversial contestant will engender, while KP Nutty needs the prime-time opportunity to attempt to redeem her tattered reputation.

Let’s rewrite that a little shall we:

Inviting Moir to return may be a surprising break with tradition for the Daily Mail, but let’s be honest here. Both parties are desperate. The publishing company needs the ratings fillip that such a controversial contestant will engender, while JM Nutty needs the prime-time opportunity to attempt to redeem her tattered reputation.

Back to Jan Moir:

This charm offensive is a high-risk strategy for a woman who is as charming as leprosy when the cameras are turned off. And not much better when they are on.

Again, might this be an entry in Jan Moir’s diary.

For haven’t we all had enough of this rapacious, publicitymad, boobilicious madam?

Jan or Katie?

Will the public finally tire of her as they realise she represents everything tawdry and regrettable about what stardom has become? As they also tire of that non-stop voice, of her eternal flat drone of selfjustification [sic], of that selfish whine?

Or to rewrite a little:

Will the public finally tire of her as they realise she represents everything tawdry and regrettable about what journalism has become? As they also tire of that non-stop voice, of her eternal flat drone of selfjustification [sic], of that selfish whine?

Jan Price, sorry Jan Moir:

I’m A Celebrity is the modern equivalent of putting someone in the medieval stocks, and at the moment, she is the village witch.

She’s the witch? Or Jan is? And to conclude, the former food critic opines:

Whatever happens throughout the coming weeks, it is going to be a bushtucker trial for all of us. For how much more of the humourless, balloon-breasted, great, roaring She-Chav can the public and the other contestants take?

Another hundred words or maybe even an entire column, we’d say, Jan.

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Image: Press Gazette

Anorak

Posted: 18th, November 2009 | In: Key Posts, Media Comments (6) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink