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Jeremy Kyle Does The Nativity: Joseph And Virgin Mary Are On The Show

by | 5th, December 2009

jesus-birth-dnaJESUS Christ’s mum and dad, Mary and Joseph, are on the Jeremy Kyle show…

WHEN baby Jesus Christ was born, his mum and dad were living in a barn. Mum Mary gave birth with no drugs and surrounded by filthy animals.

But the story took a twist when after a 19-hour labour, father Joseph realised that his wife was a virgin.

She says the father is an angel called Gabriel who never had intercourse with her. Joseph says he can’t accept Jesus as his own until he has a DNA test. Welcome, Mary on the show.

Jeremy Kyle: Mary, tells us in your own words, what happened.

Mary: (Whispers). It’s Virgin Mary Cohen, actually.

JK: You’re a virgin? You’ve never had sex with your husband?

Mary: My name is Virgin Mary…

JK: (Turns to audience with a smirk on his lips and eyebrows raised.)” It get gets better and better. So who’s this Gabriel?

Mary: An angel.

Audience. Laughs.

JK: So why didn’t you marry him if he’s so ruddy terrific.

Mary: He left me when the baby was born.

JK: This so-called man who you call an angel walked out on you, and Joseph stayed to look after his kid? Let’s get Joseph on the show, laydees and gentalmeen.

Joseph appears.

JK: Did you know she was still a virgin, my friend?

Joseph Goldberg: First I’ve heard about it. This is what she does. She paints herself like butter wouldn’t melt but the truth is different. It’s like she’s two different people.

JK: So you want the DNA test…

Joseph: I’ve come here for closure. I love the little lad to bits but if he’s not mine I’ll be gutted. He can still call me Daddy Joe, if he likes. He can be Daddy Gabriel.

Audience: Aaah.

JK: Shall we get Gabriel out.

Audience: Yes!

Gabriel appears in silhouette.

JK: Gabriel doesn’t want to appear on the show, laydees and gentlemeen, he says, and I quote, “My glorious presence would knock you bandy and render you speechless.”

Audience: Laughs.

JK is handed an envelope. So here are those all important DNA results. Joseph, you are NOT the baby’s father. Joseph places his head in his hands an sobs. Virgin Mary crosses her legs. Gabriel says nothing.

JK: Goes behind he screen. So what have you to say for yourself? Where have you been when the baby needed changing and cried at 2 o’clock in the morning? Be a man. Time to be a man, my friend.

JK to camera:

Next up we meet a man who says his burning bush was a result of divine intervention and not a one-night stand in Ibiza. We’re back in three….

Inspired by TDW



Posted: 5th, December 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink