Lovable Chelsea Footballer Ashley Cole Fined For Car Crime: Parodists Weep
IT’S a hard job being Ashley Cole, looking for new and imaginative ways to be disliked. (Only joking, Ash. You are terrific geyser and we love you.)
Cole, the Chelsea and England footballer married to Simon Cowell puppet, sorry, poppet Cheryl Cole, has been banned from driving for doing more than 100mph in a 50mph zone.
As we know, Ashley Chelsea offered up the excuse that he was being chased by paparazzi. This is why he was driving his black Lamborghini Gallardo at 104mph along the A3.
At Kingston Magistrates, the Beak hands Cole a four-month ban and a £1,000 fine. Cole is ordered to pay a £15 victim surcharge and £300 costs to reflect his income and the seriousness of the offence.
Cole’s legal team responds by bowing their heads, apologising for the offence and narrating a statement from the star in which he explains how relieved he is that he never killed anyone. He is thankful to God and the fates that he never swerved on that other fateful day Arsenal insulted him with an offer of £55,000 a week. For the record, her honour: Ashley Cole: My Defence:
One telephone call changed everything about how I viewed and felt about Arsenal. “Ash! Are you listening?” said a virtually hyperventilating Barnett. “I’m here in the office and David Dein is saying they aren’t going to give you £60k a week. They’ve agreed £55k and this is their best and final offer. Are you happy with that?” I nearly swerved off the road. “He is taking the piss, Jonathan!” I yelled down the phone. I was so incensed, I was trembling with anger. I couldn’t believe what I’d heard.
So the big apology… Well, not exactly. What happened was that his suits immediately launched a bid against the ban.
Chairwoman Patricia Baskerville says:
“We have taken into account Mr Cole’s clean licence however this was an incident of excessive speed, over twice the speed limit on the road and these were exceptional circumstances which we need to mark. For the offence of speeding, Mr Cole will be disqualified for a period of four months and will pay a fine of £1,000.”
His defence barrister asked for 21 days to pay, which magistrates laughed at but granted.
Ashley Cole. Top bloke. Although the parodist might be the one rogue element that finds a reason to dislike him because he is – and he is – beyond parody…