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Tesco Beautifies Mel Gibson’s Horrible Harangues!

by | 17th, July 2010

MY head rings with Mel Gibson’s potty-mouthed profanities. I have not heard such things, at least not since I was a choir boy (before the gender realignment op, that is). On my knees.

Yet in the world of Madame Arcati, every bad thing can be turned into something beautiful. To wash away Mel’s verbal pollutions, may I suggest you visit the websites of various famous retail outlets or iconic organisations and childishly type into their search boxes a few of Mel’s sociopathic cuss words and phrases.

Be amazed at what they throw up in the struggle to make sense of Mel and his strange mind: ugliness converted.

For instance:

“I am one tough motherfucker”: There’s only one place for this, Tesco.co.uk. Its store locator interprets this as… Muir of Fowlis, in Aberdeenshire. Quite lyrical really. Must visit.

“They can fuck off”: Tap this into Amazon.co.uk and you get … Patrick Mower: My Story. Nothing personal, Patrick. Or if you prefer, Issues in Intimate Violence, by Dr. Raquel Kennedy Bergen. One for Mel’s Christmas stocking perhaps.

“… You will blow me first”: The Vatican’s Holy See site bravely refers this tasteless command to a “Vigil of the Solemnity of Pentecost 2006 – Homily of the Holy” link, and other outpourings of divine love. Customised to Mel’s religious frame of mind.

“You look like a fucking pig in heat”: Not to be defeated, Harrods.com stoically uses this hideous abuse to advertise its New Look Tea / Coffee Pot by Sophie Villepigue (£309). If only Mel had said, “You look like a fucking Villepigue in heat”, we would have hailed his sly wit.

“You fucking deserved it”: Where else but Number10.gov.uk, home of the UK coalition government. Mel’s scornful remark takes us to the … the “Queen’s Speech – Estimates for the Public Services”, among other things. Perhaps Mel’s words were politically coded.

“You’re staying stupid shit”: British Vogue is not in the least troubled by this vulgarity and recommends its “Tokens of Affection” feature – in which “Luella gives us the perfect excuse to spoil someone special.” The home of satire.

“You don’t fucking count”: The diamond-showered De Beers site could not quite match this, but it wasn’t about to be thwarted. It suggested instead, “You don’t funded account,” and then promoted its Enchanted Lotus Sleeper Earrings.

Already I feel cleaner, soothed, unMelled. And if you like Mel and pussy, here’s his words set to kitties.

Hear the tapes here!!



Posted: 17th, July 2010 | In: Key Posts Comments (9) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink