How Cheese Got Wikileak’s Julian Assange Laid And Accused Of Rape
WIKILEAKS founder Julian Assange was scooped by his own rape allegations, which will remain just that: allegations. But you want to know the details, right?
The story goes that while in Sweden, Assange shagged at least two women in four days. (Running a website can get you laid. Good news there.)
But that we want to know more of what Assange is alleged to have done? Thankfully, documents have been leaked – and, no, not by Wikileaks.
Anna Ardin is Woman A, allegedly. A police source tells the Mail:
“They had a discussion and decided it would be OK to share the living space, then went out together for dinner. When they got back they had sexual relations, but there was a problem with the condom – it had split. She seemed to think that he had done this deliberately but he insisted that it was an accident.”
(Insert joke about leaks here.)
Then there is Woman B. They met at a talk Assange had been invited, reportedly, to give by Anna Ardin. It was organised by the Social Democratic Party. At the seminar, Woman B bought Assange a computer cable. In computing terms this is akin to roses.
And then the seduction began. Pay attention:
She explained in her statement that he was tucking into cheese served on Swedish crispbread when she asked if he thought it was good.
Cheese. Is. An. Aphrodisiac.
Assange looked at her directly and started to feed her.
You cannot resist the cheese. He made his move – and she paid for it:
They went on a vain search for the charger. She bought him a travel card for the metro because he said he didn’t have any money.
Back to his place?
They ended up at the city’s Natural History Museum, where Assange headed to a computer console and, to the woman’s clear annoyance, twittered about his day.
The international man of mystery is on fire. What next?
At 6pm they entered a bijou cinema to watch a short film about the ocean, called Deep Sea. In the darkness Assange became amorous.
Cheese. Check. Ignore her. Check. Rubbish films. Check. It’s a three-point courtship ritual. Then he shagged her? No. He needed to deliver a killer line – in 140 characters or fewer:
‘You are very attractive … to me.’
The “…to me”, part is darling. You might not be attractive to everyone, but you are “…to me”.
So. then he shagged her? Well, no. After the cheese and the sea flick, Assange talked crayfish:
Assange said he had a traditional Swedish crayfish party to attend and needed a power nap, so they lay side by side on the grass and he fell asleep.
After a night’s sleep big sleep they met later. And now Assange worked his magic once more. That free computer league might just be the tip of the iceberg:
She wanted to go to a hotel, but he said he would like to see her home. Again she bought his £10 train ticket because he had no cash and said he didn’t want to use his credit card in case his movement was being tracked.
Make notes, readers. You cannot use your own cash because the CIA is watching you. And, yes, you have been speaking publically. But, still, got any change, luv?
On with the romance:
He spent most of the 45-minute journey surfing the internet on his laptop, reading stories about himself and twittering or texting on his mobile phone.
When they reached their destination, they finally shagged. In the morning, they had another go and this time he, allegedly, failed to use a condom. This seems to be the basis of the rape allegation.
But Assange was not finished:
They parted on friendly terms and she bought his train ticket back to Stockholm. When she asked if he would call, he said: ‘Yes, I will.’
Yep. He tapped her for another ticket.
And then Woman A and Woman B made contact with each other. As the Mail puts it:
The drama took a bizarre and ultimately sensational turn after she called the office of Woman A, whom she had briefly met at the seminar.
Bizarre, indeed. What are the odds on that, readers?
The two women talked and realised to their horror and anger that they had both been victims of his charm. The issue of unprotected sex left a fear of disease. It is believed that they both asked him to take a test for STDs and he refused. Woman B was especially anxious about the possibility of HIV and pregnancy. And it was in this febrile state that the women, who barely knew each other, walked into a police station and began to tell their stories.
And then the police issued an arrest warrant. The world’s media heard of it. Then the warrant was rescinded. But an accusation that Assange molested a woman remains under investigation.
The facts seem sketchy, but we can be sure of one thing: cheese gets you laid.