How Cheese Got Wikileak’s Julian Assange Laid And Accused Of Rape
WIKILEAKS founder Julian Assange was scooped by his own rape allegations, which will remain just that: allegations. But you want to know the details, right?
The story goes that while in Sweden, Assange shagged at least two women in four days. (Running a website can get you laid. Good news there.)
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But that we want to know more of what Assange is alleged to have done? Thankfully, documents have been leaked – and, no, not by Wikileaks.
Anna Ardin is Woman A, allegedly. A police source tells the Mail:
“They had a discussion and decided it would be OK to share the living space, then went out together for dinner. When they got back they had sexual relations, but there was a problem with the condom – it had split. She seemed to think that he had done this deliberately but he insisted that it was an accident.”
(Insert joke about leaks here.)
Then there is Woman B. They met at a talk Assange had been invited, reportedly, to give by Anna Ardin. It was organised by the Social Democratic Party. At the seminar, Woman B bought Assange a computer cable. In computing terms this is akin to roses.
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And then the seduction began. Pay attention:
She explained in her statement that he was tucking into cheese served on Swedish crispbread when she asked if he thought it was good.
Cheese. Is. An. Aphrodisiac.
Assange looked at her directly and started to feed her.
You cannot resist the cheese. He made his move – and she paid for it:
They went on a vain search for the charger. She bought him a travel card for the metro because he said he didn’t have any money.
Back to his place?
They ended up at the city’s Natural History Museum, where Assange headed to a computer console and, to the woman’s clear annoyance, twittered about his day.
The international man of mystery is on fire. What next?
At 6pm they entered a bijou cinema to watch a short film about the ocean, called Deep Sea. In the darkness Assange became amorous.
Cheese. Check. Ignore her. Check. Rubbish films. Check. It’s a three-point courtship ritual. Then he shagged her? No. He needed to deliver a killer line – in 140 characters or fewer:
‘You are very attractive … to me.’
The “…to me”, part is darling. You might not be attractive to everyone, but you are “…to me”.
So. then he shagged her? Well, no. After the cheese and the sea flick, Assange talked crayfish:
Assange said he had a traditional Swedish crayfish party to attend and needed a power nap, so they lay side by side on the grass and he fell asleep.
After a night’s sleep big sleep they met later. And now Assange worked his magic once more. That free computer league might just be the tip of the iceberg:
She wanted to go to a hotel, but he said he would like to see her home. Again she bought his £10 train ticket because he had no cash and said he didn’t want to use his credit card in case his movement was being tracked.
Make notes, readers. You cannot use your own cash because the CIA is watching you. And, yes, you have been speaking publically. But, still, got any change, luv?
On with the romance:
He spent most of the 45-minute journey surfing the internet on his laptop, reading stories about himself and twittering or texting on his mobile phone.
When they reached their destination, they finally shagged. In the morning, they had another go and this time he, allegedly, failed to use a condom. This seems to be the basis of the rape allegation.
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But Assange was not finished:
They parted on friendly terms and she bought his train ticket back to Stockholm. When she asked if he would call, he said: ‘Yes, I will.’
Yep. He tapped her for another ticket.
And then Woman A and Woman B made contact with each other. As the Mail puts it:
The drama took a bizarre and ultimately sensational turn after she called the office of Woman A, whom she had briefly met at the seminar.
Bizarre, indeed. What are the odds on that, readers?
The two women talked and realised to their horror and anger that they had both been victims of his charm. The issue of unprotected sex left a fear of disease. It is believed that they both asked him to take a test for STDs and he refused. Woman B was especially anxious about the possibility of HIV and pregnancy. And it was in this febrile state that the women, who barely knew each other, walked into a police station and began to tell their stories.
And then the police issued an arrest warrant. The world’s media heard of it. Then the warrant was rescinded. But an accusation that Assange molested a woman remains under investigation.
The facts seem sketchy, but we can be sure of one thing: cheese gets you laid.
Posted: 29th, August 2010 | In: News Comments (5) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink
August 30th, 2010 at 5:06 pm
Kara, no doubt that man used his snake charm to get them into bed, albeit both agreed. However, with the first one he obviously used a used or defective condom – that is his responsibility to provide a reliable protection if he is shagging around on his travels. The second one he did not use a condom, which did put her, in fact he put both women, in jeopardy of picking up a serious venereal disease and possibly AIDS. Herpes is forever and AIDS is deadly.
August 30th, 2010 at 3:50 pm
Ohlalala Cheryl, these women could have said NO! They’re just irresponsible b*tches.
August 30th, 2010 at 6:35 am
Gotta love a moronic world where the messenger’s character is attacked in the media with more zeal than the straight up murders committed by the U.S. military that were revealed by Wikileaks That’s the real issue, with this third rate propaganda – and the hollow sounding robotic comments that are as usual, a bit homogenous with the character assasination lines. Lol. “He’s a molester, that makes the murders not true!” – LOL! Apparently the U.S. intelligence services are the ones who’s ranks are filled with spoiled, petty, childish brats – don’t say it isn’t true daddy’s boy’s, you all paddled each others buttocks in your frats, it’s pathetic. Lol, you morons are so out of touch with reality, you think if you say something, it means it’s real. Lol, what worms.
August 30th, 2010 at 5:02 am
Dear me Julian!!!
You really need to be a little more aware than that now you are soooo very in the spotlight!!! We love our underground bringer of truth, but a little tip. Carry some cash, you dont need a rep as a scab now.
I donate to Wikileaks and want to know you are ok!!
August 30th, 2010 at 4:53 am
That man is a real piece of work. Looking at his picture I can’t understand how one woman, least of two women, could find him appealing enough to even want to shag with him.
As for the condom splitting with the first woman, and she seems to think it was deliberate, for as cheap as he comes across could be he carries only one in his wallet and reuses it when the occasion arises and it wore out, which would explain none to use with the second woman.
Not only is he arrogant and in love with himself, which shows with his searching the net for 45 minutes to read stories about himself and twittering and texting his friends, he is also selfish and stupid. He has unprotected sex with two women and refuses to submit to VD tests. With all the traveling that man does and he shagged two different women in four days time those women should be highly nervous. That could explain why the molestation charge is still under investigation in a way – to force him to submit to a VD test..