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How Cheese Got Wikileak’s Julian Assange Laid And Accused Of Rape

by | 29th, August 2010

WIKILEAKS founder Julian Assange was scooped by his own rape allegations, which will remain just that: allegations. But you want to know the details, right?

The story goes that while in Sweden, Assange shagged at least two women in four days. (Running a website can get you laid. Good news there.)

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But that we want to know more of what Assange is alleged to have done? Thankfully, documents have been leaked and, no, not by Wikileaks.

Anna Ardin is Woman A, allegedly. A police source tells the Mail:

“They had a discussion and decided it would be OK to share the living space, then went out together for dinner. When they got back they had sexual relations, but there was a problem with the condom – it had split. She seemed to think that he had done this deliberately but he insisted that it was an accident.”

(Insert joke about leaks here.)

Then there is Woman B. They met at a talk Assange had been invited, reportedly, to give by Anna Ardin. It was organised by the Social Democratic Party. At the seminar, Woman B bought Assange a computer cable. In computing terms this is akin to roses.

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And then the seduction began. Pay attention:

She explained in her statement that he was tucking into cheese served on Swedish crispbread when she asked if he thought it was good.

Cheese. Is. An. Aphrodisiac.

Assange looked at her directly and started to feed her.

You cannot resist the cheese. He made his move and she paid for it:

They went on a vain search for the charger. She bought him a travel card for the metro because he said he didn’t have any money.

Back to his place?

They ended up at the city’s Natural History Museum, where Assange headed to a computer console and, to the woman’s clear annoyance, twittered about his day.

The international man of mystery is on fire. What next?

At 6pm they entered a bijou cinema to watch a short film about the ocean, called Deep Sea. In the darkness Assange became amorous.

Cheese. Check. Ignore her. Check. Rubbish films. Check. It’s a three-point courtship ritual. Then he shagged her? No. He needed to deliver a killer line in 140 characters or fewer:

‘You are very attractive … to me.’

The “…to me”, part is darling. You might not be attractive to everyone, but you are “…to me”.

So. then he shagged her? Well, no. After the cheese and the sea flick, Assange talked crayfish:

Assange said he had a traditional Swedish crayfish party to attend and needed a power nap, so they lay side by side on the grass and he fell asleep.

After a night’s sleep big sleep

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Posted: 29th, August 2010 | In: News Comments (5) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink