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Anorak | Presidential Candidate Iowahawk Is Screening Calls: Obama Is Also Out

Presidential Candidate Iowahawk Is Screening Calls: Obama Is Also Out

by | 2nd, November 2010

IOWAHAWK explains the US voting rigmarole to the Britis: Obama out.

You Have 24 Unanswered Messages

*BEEP*

Hello, this is Congressman Chuck Harbinson calling to remind you to vote tomorrow, Tuesday November 2nd. As your representative from the 3rd District, I have worked hard to bring positive change through my support for the Health Care Reform Act, as well as the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act which created the new Turnip ethanol plant and nearly a dozen new high-paying jobs right here in the Quint Cities. I am proud to have earned the endorsement of the Claxon-Ledger, the United Turnip Workers Union, and President Obama. So when you cast that vote tomorrow, Tuesday November 2nd, won’t you please pull the lever for me, Congressmen Chuck Harbinson? Thanks, and have a great evening.

*BEEP*

Hello, this is Congressman Chuck Harbinson again. Look, I just wanted to make sure you didn’t get the wrong impression from that last robocall. I think I mentioned something about an endorsement from President Obama. Okay, yeah, he endorsed me, technically, but really, don’t read too much into that. It’s really more of a formality kinda thing. Candidly, I’m considered a pretty big independent here in DC, reaching across the aisle and all that. So pull that lever tomorrow for me, Congressman Chuck “The Maverick” Harbinson.

*BEEP*

What exactly do we know about Mike Pflugenboom? Sure, Mike Pflugenboom says he is a small businessman. But who is pulling Mike Pflugenboom’s strings? The Claxon-Ledger reports that Mike Pflugenboom has taken nearly $5000 in secret donations from Big Turnip and their foreign friends. Mike Pflugenboom — too extreme for the 3rd District, too extreme for America. I’m Chuck Harbinson and I approve this message.

*BEEP*

Hello, this is President Barack Obama. For the last two years Congressman Chuck Harbinson has been my most reliable friend and ally in Washington, helping me create the policies that have brought the 3rd District back on the road to near-recovery. I am proud to give him my endorsement and support. Please join me in supporting him tomorrow at the ballot box so he can help again move America, and the 3rd District, forward to a brighter future. This message brought to you by the Democratic National Congressional Committee.

*BEEP*

Hey, it’s Chuck again. I heard that you might have gotten a call from President Obama. Look, um, I don’t know what he said, but if he’s saying we’re friends, that’s pretty much B.S. I mean, like, I hardly know the guy. I might have run into him at that rally here last month, but come on, what exactly was I suppose to do? Reject his endorsement? If you ask me, I don’t even think that was Barack Obama at all. I bet it was Mike Pflugenboom doing his Obama impression, trying to make me look bad.

*BEEP*

Sorry, I forgot. Vote for me, Chuck Harbinson.

*BEEP*

Back alley abortions. Slavery. Molestation. Our turnip crops ravaged by global climate disruption. And that’s only the start of what the 3rd District faces if dangerous Republican extremist Mike Pflugenboom is elected. Say no to the politics of fear – say no to Pflugenboom on Tuesday. This message brought to you by The United Turnip Workers PAC and MoveOn.org.

*BEEP*

Hey, it’s Chuck. Look, could we, uh, meet somewhere for a cup of coffee? I know you don’t approve of some of my friends, but I thought if we had a chance to sit down and

*BEEP*

Hey, it’s me again. Just seeing if your machine was working. You haven’t returned my calls so I was a little worried that

*BEEP*

zzzzwwwuzzzuzzzuwwuzzz *click*

*BEEP*

Come on. Pick up. I know you’re there.

*BEEP*

You’re at that goddamn Teabagger party with Pflugenboom, aren’t you? After I told you what happens at those things. You better answer me, bitch.

*BEEP*

Yeah, whatever. I don’t need some crazy racist bitch telling me what to

*BEEP*

Mike Pflugenboom? Seriously? You have got to be joking me. Is he in the room with you? Hey Mike, nice friggin’ pickup truck in those ads, buddy. You know what I drive? I drive an ’08 Beemer. Fuckin’ loser.

*BEEP*

That’s right, bitch. A Beemer M5.

*BEEP*

You know what? I can go to parties too. I’m at one right now. Hey! Heyyyy! Hey. Hear that DJ? I’m at the best fucking top club in Washington. With my best fucking friends. Hey everybody, say hi to my stupid ungrateful bitch constituents. Ha ha! Yooouuu know what? This place is crawling with constituents, and you know what elslele? They’re totally hot. They’re totally so much fucking hotter than you. And I

*BEEP*

Shit yeah I forgot vote froh me, Chuck Charbinsomson.

*BEEP*

Oh sorry, thought I was calling my pollster.

*BEEP*

I’m so sorry baby. God I’m so sorry. You know how I get after a frundraimser. Can we talk?

*BEEP*

Okay okay okay I’m crying. Is that what you want? Is that

*BEEP*

That Pflgrembloon fucker doesn’t deserve you baby. He’s is no good for you. He can’t give you the shit I can. He’s gonna break your heart, and then you’ll know what it feel like

*BEEP*

Lemme come over. Please. I promise I won’t ask you to do that

*BEEP*

You were right. My friend are no good. I’ll get rid of them, you’ll see. I’ll change. No no no no no no not like Obama change, I mean really really change. Just give me another chance. I’ll show you I can be

*BEEP*

Hello, this is Mike Pflugenboom. I’m not Chuck Harbinson.

END OF MESSAGES



Posted: 2nd, November 2010 | In: Politicians Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink