Anorak | Charlie Sheen Interview: Michael Jackson’s Amateur Drugs And Being A Water Dragon

Charlie Sheen Interview: Michael Jackson’s Amateur Drugs And Being A Water Dragon

by | 5th, March 2011

CHARLIE Sheen, who lives with resting porn star Rachel Oberlin (aka Bree Olson – photos) and Natalie Kenly (aka The Nanny) is talking with Pete Samson, the Sun’s US editor.

Sheen has been getting into character for his role as Colonel Gaddafi in the biopic of the Libyan dictator’s life, unfurling an umbrella up his urethra and declaring himself clean and fit to rule.

Highlights of the interview with the self-styled warlock possessed of curative tiger blood in his veins (this might be the break Julian Sands has been waiting for – the Frosties gig is his to lose) are:

The Domain:

“The Goddesses rule. They rule the kingdom. I got a chance to label them before the world did and now they’re the Goddesses. Those two are like the toughest cats in the room.”


“We have to have two beds – we’re not amateurs, we’re all adults. It’s very smart and that way no one gets demoted to the couch.”

Say Natalie, for whom cool is the new retro hot:

“Life in the house is cool. Charlie is the coolest guy ever. Who knows, everyone might live like this one day.”

No Moaning:

“I’ve simply been living the dream… The partying has been epic – what I can remember of it. It was entertaining as hell… I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I’m not complaining.”

Shake Your Frosties:

“Everybody says I have nine lives but I have to be careful because I don’t know which one I am on. When you have tiger blood running through your veins it boils and it fuels you. It boils in a state that would eclipse a microwave.”

The Truth:

“People say I’m so arrogant but I’m just speaking the truth. You ride this cosmic mercury surfboard down the face of a tsunami and tell me you don’t feel bitchin’. This is the dream.”

Says Samson:

Charlie’s history is littered with episodes that make a Roman orgy sound more like a Sunday school outing.

The Pope might well nod. So too the horses in the stables.

The New York Plaza hotel with Capri Anderson (photos):

“People say I was in a blackout. No, I was kind of on a roll. It was entertaining to watch and certainly got people’s attention. I didn’t get in anybody’s way, I didn’t meddle in other people’s lives.”

The Drugs:

“I smoke 40 a day and have the lungs of a non-smoker. I have no problems with my liver or kidneys. They hurt a little bit during the party but when the party stops, they’re fine.

“They’re like, ‘OK, we’re good for about three more of those’. But I don’t miss the partying because I have all the memories. Except for The Plaza.”

The Booze:

“Alcoholics Anonymous? It’s about as anonymous as me. It’s the holy book of lies. I’m just doing things my own way. I don’t know if I will drink again. How do you turn down a perfect 1982 Petrus?”

Michael Jackson:

“He was doing the wrong drugs under the care of a complete and total amateur.”

The Kidzzzz:

“As we sit here today I don’t know where my kids are. I don’t know where the hell they are. I’m not upset, my emotions are out of it, my ego is out of it. But I am disappointed in the system. This is not the America I was raised in.”

The Mother:

“It will be revealed what the score is and the scoreboard doesn’t lie. Brooke [Mueller] has admitted she has relapsed and doesn’t really have a home. I can only imagine if the shoes were on the other feet I’d be in some prison in Arkansas doing 25 years to life without a trial or anything. I don’t see her making the Guinness Book of World Records this morning. Unless it’s for most stupid ever.”

I’m Coming For Your Mum:

“The gloves are off. But I am going to go in, do it properly and do it with total domination.”

The Pet:

He’s even got a pet. Even if it is a terrifying-looking Chinese Water Dragon lizard named Hopper Jnr.

The Fans:

“It’s redundant and it’s tedious. People are fed up of all the same garbage. They are tired of the publicist statement.”

And we nod. But we are still only getting the edited highlights of Sheen’s wonderful life. We demand a live action streaming cam attached to his now clean and pure nostrils. If Sheen is to be best show in town it needs to go multi-media. Get a camera into every orifice in the house and go long on frosted corn…


Spotter: Sun

Posted: 5th, March 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink