Top April Fools Of 2012: Spain Buys Ronaldo, New Air Tax And RyanAir Bans Kids
Zimmer Skateboards – Daily Express
British company Micro Scooters, which manufactures the new £100 vehicle, claims it was developed in response to “huge demand” from grandmas and granddads who wanted to take their grandchildren to school, but found they were struggling to keep pace.
Ed Miliband’s Knees Up – Daily Telegraph
An email, which was sent to various Labour councillors, asks party members to mark in their diaries May 27th as a “red letter day”, which should be enthusiastically celebrated. The email sent from Flora Lopi, a Labour Party official, who is understood to be one of Mr Miliband’s closest advisers, said:
“As you will now all be aware, Britain will be celebrating an event even more important than the Royal wedding in London on April 29, namely, the civil ceremony uniting Ed and Justine, on May 27. Labour members, let’s make this a red letter day, when we can show to the world that we are truly the party of unity, family and fun. In the face of swingeing Con-Dem cuts, I would like all Labour councillors, PCCs and party members to organise a street party. I have enclosed a ten-point plan to ensure this event runs as smoothly as possible, including ideas for catering and merchandising opportunities to help raise funds for the Party.”
Air Tax – Daily Mirror
Rural folk will have to cough up the most under the new charge – already dubbed a gasp bill – while those living in our polluted cities will be expected to pay less. The Air Tariff Control system will assess charges in different areas of the country and every household will be liable for payments, which will be administered by local authorities and added to council tax bills.
The project, to be run by a private firm under a five-year licence, is designed to fund air quality improvement initiatives. One senior air technician at the Environment Agency said: “Air is natural but, just like water, it is a finite resource that we have to manage sensibly. Water quality and supply improved with privatisation and there is no reason why this should not have the same impact on air. The aim is to allow everyone to enjoy high-quality breathing air.”
No Kidzzz – RyanAir
“When it comes to children we all love our own but would clearly prefer to avoid other people’s little monsters when travelling,” Ryanair spokesman Stephen McNamara said.
“While half our passengers would like us to divide our cabins up into ‘adult’ and ‘family’ areas it is not operationally possible due to our free seating policy, with optional priority boarding.
“However, with clear demand for ‘child free’ flights Ryanair will introduce child free flights on high frequency routes from the start of our winter schedule in October.”
Ronaldo Becomes Spanish – Independent
Weighed down by debt, and reeling from the latest downgrading of their country’s credit status, Portugal’s finance ministry has secured the co-operation of football’s highest-paid player in an audacious bid to draw the nation back from the brink of economic collapse. In a move which some observers claimed “will lead to the destruction of the World Cup”, Cristiano Ronaldo has agreed to “act like a patriot” and be sold to neighbouring Spain for €160m…
Spain are the current world and European champions, with a style of play that relies more on passing than the soloist skills for which Ronaldo is known. “If we are going to buy foreigners we should buy Lionel Messi [Barcelona’s Argentinian star],” said one fan.
The Daily Star – The Daily Star