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Mariah Carey Is Stupid Because She Thinks Her Unborn Twins Have Different Personalities

by | 12th, April 2011

IT must be slowly dawning on Mariah Carey that she’s not the only person on Earth who has ever had a baby. As each new stretch mark appears on her drum-taut stomach and each haemorrhoid pings like popcorn from her anus, her sheer will to make this whole pointless event special grows and grows.

Fact is, her new children are just another pair of things to occupy some vital space on our failing planet. They’re guaranteed to grow-up to be disappointing adults, drunk on their own sense of self worth and ultimately jaded at the prospect that they’re just things that live to ultimately die without ever achieving anything remotely great in their lives.

At least they’ll have stupid celebrity names and a vast fortune to fall back on, eh?

In the meantime, Mariah is desperate to sprinkle some la-la dust on the whole thing and now she’s imagining that her unborn children have different personalities to each other, even through they’ve barely developed a sense of being and are defecating inside her, like disgusting boil-in-the-bag barnyard animals, as we speak.

Mariah says, without a trace of awareness:

“You can tell the personalities. In viewing our ultrasounds, our boy is all ready like Nick, like, ‘Here I am, take my picture or don’t’.”

“And our girl is coyly facing the other way, like, ‘No pictures,’ waiting for a proper debut. I took some ultrasound footage of them in the womb that I think they’ll definitely find interesting later in life.”

Imagine that. Your mother, all hallowed out and dead-eyed, croaking ‘Look at these grainy pictures of yourself! Aren’t they amazing! You can tell which one is which can’t YOOOOoooOOoOoOOOOOU?’, only for her children to meekly nod in compliance and dearly wish she’d stop crooning the end of every sentence, finishing on the note which sound like someone squeaking trainers on a basketball court.

And in other news, Mariah’s husband, Nick Cannon, has been reading stories to his wife’s digestive tract:

“Nick is so excited about being a father. He already has this natural talent with children, they take to him right away. He’s so nurturing, loving and fun. He definitely will be a hands-on dad. He already reads stories to my tummy.”

Sinister.



Posted: 12th, April 2011 | In: Music Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink