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Anorak | Joan Collins Advertises Her New York Flat In Hello! – The Expensive Real Estate Mag

Joan Collins Advertises Her New York Flat In Hello! – The Expensive Real Estate Mag

by | 31st, May 2011

JOAN Collins has found a new use for Hello! magazine in these recession-hit times. Joan is using the organ (£2 an issue!) to market her New York home.

Says Joan:

“I’ve got to cut back to three houses.”

Joan is never more at home in her grande dame brand than talking riches with a tongue engorged in her cheek. Joan stands to one side to allows readers to see the room. She adds:

“We had 40 people in this room but it didn’t feel in the slightest bit crowded.”

When she states that one of the guests was the huge Neil Sedaka (at least 7 feet six inches tall in his socks) and his customary big piano, we nod approvingly.

Hello! then smoothes down its shiny suit, waggles its dark pink tie over light pink shirt, and adds:

“In addition to the vast living area, three spacious bedrooms and three luxury bathrooms, it boasts 14 closets.”

Joan takes her cue:

“It did have 16 but we turned two into a big walk-in wardrobe.”

What the estate agent may call the “Elton John Suite”.

We then walk into the master bedroom. Joan is there. She is dressed in a shocking pink dress with shiny beads sewn on. Behind her is a Percy in a swirly-patterned pink and white shirt.

When they move out the way, we see why the need for this loud palette. The bed is bedecked in a watery green and white Chinese pattern on whish ancient locals woo birds and a monkey in a hat walks up a tree to a pagoda. The print may be hard to come by now because Joan and a Percy seem to have bought the lot and used it cover the curtains, pelmets, massive headboard and wall behind the bed. Were it not for the green seat at the foot of the bed – an item suggestive of the opening to a cave below the mattress – the bed would be hard to spot.

Joan and a Percy then sit on a sofa covered in a red bamboo–print. Neither look to the camera. They are holding his ’n’ hers iPads. The effect is an advertorial for silver surfing, with Joan as the recruit and a Percy as her technician showing the dame how to order a walk-in bath.
We move on to see the spare bedroom, which features a stuffed camel is reposeful aspect on a beige quilt.

The tour ends with a shot of a Percy sat at a round glass table before a mirror in which house hunters can see the back of Joan as she smiles forwards for the photo.

At which point we declare that it is not for us. The flat is ok. The decor is liveable. But Hello!’s cover features the inside of Buckingham Palace. Our heads have been turned. Is it for sale..?



Posted: 31st, May 2011 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink