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Anorak | X Factor 2011: Gary Barlow Says ‘Take That’ To Dead Simon Cowell

X Factor 2011: Gary Barlow Says ‘Take That’ To Dead Simon Cowell

by | 2nd, June 2011

SIMON Cowell is “DEAD”. Lest you doubt the veracity of that story, the Daily Star spells it out in big letters on its front page:

“TELLY KING COWELL IS DEAD”

Of course, you know this to be an untruth. Firstly, when Cowell does die, it will be hard to tell. His face may not change. His eyelid may droop a little further. But the greater face and hair do not move. To all intents and purposes there is no outward sign of life.

An insider tells Anorak that he thought Cowell had died in 2008. In panic, stopping only to use the great man’s phone to text a TV contract offer to Rik Waller and shine his boots on Simon’ s head, our woman on the inside shouted for help. Minutes passed. No-one came. And then she heard a slurping noise. Cowell was licking his eyeballs. He was ALIVE!

Secondly, when Cowell does die, rivers will run backwards, birds fall from the sky and you know who will confess that they were Cowell’s secret lover and that the man was only pretending to be Cowell The Brand. The real Cowell was a black mideget called Steve.

Back in the Star, then and news that Cowell has been killed by Gary Barlow, the cuddly Man At Take that. Star readers should know:

Gary Barlow seized control as ITV1’s new-look talent show was mobbed by crowds of wannabes for the first time, and he joked: “Simon who?”

Says Katie Begley:

The confident singer says he is the new X Factor boss and Simon’s reign on British TV is over.

Hurrah! We are in new dawn of telly. Cowell is dead – if death is defined as making the X Factor six times bigger in the US and getting even richer. Barlow is here to cast his knowing eyes over the freaks, meeks, geeks, mega-talented wannabes living out mum’s dream and teary youth milking life from a dying granny.

To him the spoils!

x-factor-barlow



Posted: 2nd, June 2011 | In: TV & Radio Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink